Friday, April 10, 2015

This Time Again

This is time of year when my heart gets heavy with sadness, but this year was different. The days seemed to pass without me paying attention to the time.
On the 10th of April in 1918 was born the greatest man I ever knew. The name I knew him by was Papa. For many days I thought he was perfect and should be able to walk on water. The hardest day of my life growing up was when I realized he too made mistakes. He was once my everything. He was my mother and father. He was the one I went to when the frogs of my dreams frightened me. He was the one I clung to when I was hurt or sick. He gave up so much for me to merely exist.

He has been gone nearly 8 years and I still think of him daily. I miss the sound of his voice. I miss the confidence I had that everything would be okay just because he would never allow the bad to touch me. My life is blessed because he was such an important part of who I am and how I became me. I miss you Papa.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Never Daddy's Little Girl

In the typical families we are given a mother and a father and they automatically love us more than ourselves. I was never blessed to be in a typical family. Today I would like to discuss the man who sired me. He was only given one daughter in this life, and he always had the ability to make me feel worthless because I was born a girl. Life is never fair I guess. Many fathers seek to ensure that their daughters know how to live with or without them. Mine never cared enough for that. I was the child that never should have been born. He always doted on his four boys and never made them feel optional. After three and a half decades I gave up on him ever loving me, or him making me a priority in this life. I have not spoken to him in almost a year now. As I sit here tonight I realize that I have lost nothing but the feeling of inferiority. I lost the man that was my true father almost 8 years ago: my Papa. He was my grandfather and he worshiped the ground I walked on. His loss has nearly cut me in half. I digress from the point that I am attempting to make here. With my parental figure of the male gender being removed from my life I don’t have that person telling me I’ll never succeed at anything I do. I will never be reminded of the failure I had become. The other day during a restless slumber I was awaken by the telephone ringing. I never answered the call, but had the feeling that the person on the other end was telling me that he had died. I have no clue why I felt that, but I did. I became aware that his living or his dying mattered not to me. In my mind he is the monster out of a fairy tale. I will find no joy in his eventual passing, but I will feel no sorrow either. What kind of person does that make me to feel nothing to the man that provided me life? I don’t have the answer to that question and probably never will, but I’m alright with that. As long as I wish him no harm then my conscience is clean and my soul will remain intact.

Friday, March 13, 2015

From Within It Devours

I hear this voice. It screams at me, "You'll never succeed. You'll never be good enough." These words remain with me and I can do nothing to silence the echoes that remain. How do I drive them out? I think, “You are responsible for me being as I am. You created this monster that cares not if she lives or dies.” I cover my ears and I can still hear that cruel voice. I scream and the words are still there. As long as the voices remain I'm in a prison. I can't escape and am imprisoned in my own house. You see, there are no bars keeping me here, but escape is not an option. If I am let free, how would I survive? I only know abuse in my life. First it was by my abuser and then it continued in my own head. I begin to glimpse images of my childhood. I remember times the belt came down. I revisit moments where I didn’t feel that my torment would ever end and part of me prayed for death in that moment. What crime was so awful of me to bear such treatment? Visions of letting my blood flow freely torment me for I fear that is my only means of escape: death. I realize that I would not wish for another to find me in such a condition. I acknowledge the doctor prescribed me a medication to drown out this voice. What harm could come from taking the entire bottle. This can’t be an option for I risk my children finding me in such a condition and I have already failed them greatly. As I drive along I think, “I could end the suffering by swerving into oncoming traffic.” Also this can’t be a way out, because I would stand in judgment in the afterlife for taking out others in my quest to end my pain. Who would miss me if I were not here? I am nothing. I am no one. I am utterly alone in this world. The more I consider it the more I realize death may be the only escape for me. I am trapped in my past. The voices I hear are my own and from within it is devouring me. If you are told constantly that you will fail, you most certainly will. I desire the freedom to embrace the world with open arms. I realize in the end I don’t need a knight in shining armor to save me. I have it within myself. I did not survive 15 years as a victim to continue for more than 15 more. I am a fighter and I am a survivor. When I feel my strength faltering, I look into the eyes of my daughter and I realize something great. I am now aware that she is looking up to me guidance and as a role model. She does not need to see me on my knees begging for release. She deserves a mom that holds her arms in the air and screams, “Life, is that the best you can do? You hit like a little girl.”

Monday, March 9, 2015


I was once told that I had no dreams and no drive. That  statement plagues me a bit. What is the point for me to have dreams and goals if nothing goes as planned. I feel I can't win for losing. Every time I see myself succeeding someone greater than myself has other plans. I can fully admit sometimes I'm at fault, but damn for once I want just one thing in life to be simple. Is that too much to ask?

Sunday, March 8, 2015

My Immortality

It is funny how some thoughts sneak upon us and how profound they can be. I've always believed that our children are our chance at mortality. I'm not making the reference that the body will live forever but through our actions and our teachings they become a little part of us. I realized today that my daughter is my opportunity to live forever. Through her my dreams will be fulfilled because she is a part of me and my teachings.

This Driving Need

I have spent my life seeking the one thing that has always felt missing. As a child I knew that something wasn't there. I could always feel it and in my play it was not there. I began to feel this need of being someone’s main focus. When I was young I knew what was missing and never realized the impact that would have on my life. The older I became the more my need for attention grew. I would find myself in scrapes needing someone to rescue me because of my foolishness. I have always wanted to be the center of someone’s attention and it’s still there with me. The part that was missing for me was the unconditional love of one that should have given it freely. It was never mine to have. I have nearly begged and pleaded for this missing part, but I was always refused. There is a selfishness that resides there and it appears that I have inherited it. There has always been this incomplete feeling in my life that never seems to go away. As I struggle with this feeling I push others away that would love me because I still seek that something more. How does one come to terms with the constant feeling of being unloved and unwanted? As an adult this need drives me to be the center of one’s universe and it appears that will never happen. I feel second best in all things and unworthy to be loved. I feel rejected daily and it is slowly destroying me and those around me. Days when I feel like this, I wish I would sleep and never wake up. The force that keeps me getting out of bed is the knowledge that I can overcome whatever comes my way. The only question now is: how do I bury the past before it buries me?

Life's Journey

Friedrich Nietzsche said, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."  Some days I feel that i can do this and conquer the world. Other days my faith in me becomes shaken and I wonder what's left for me to give.  At times I hear this little voice when I feel defeated that says, "Try again." 

I have reached a new point in my life where the road should feel more difficult. Many who have walked my path with me has vanished. For the most part I stand alone. A few years back I would not have been able to stand on my own. It is because of a few that I gained this strength and I salute them. I am stronger now because they showed me what I possess inside. Their time in my life's journey is done for their purpose has been fulfilled and those meant to stay continue to remain true and steady in my life. I am ready to embrace the next chapter of my life without looking back too much to the past. Look out world for here I come. Confidence is building daily.

My Ashes

I have spent so much time lately wrapped in self pity. I have made a lot of poor choices and have since punished myself for being human and making them. I have allowed little things to tip the scales to a dark place. Instead of counting the blessings placed before me I have seen the darkness. Sometimes it is easier to see the darkness versus the light. someone once told me that when one keeps making the same mistake over and over, it is no longer a mistake it is a choice. I have made some choices and those choices have hurt others. I have paid a small price for my role in that. I have lost people that have meant the world to me. I don't plan to remain in the down position. Like the Phoenix I plan to rise from the ashes and make a better life for me and those around me. Will you be there to support me or have I pushed you too far back? I am not perfect. I am human. In short I am perfectly imperfect.

Having a Safe and Healthy Relationship

I started counseling a few months ago to learn how to battle the PTSD and the depression. Yesterday my counselor asked me if I was capable of having a normal healthy relationship. All I could do was shrug. The question has plagued me since she asked the question. By definition what is a healthy relationship in this day and time? At this point I decided I needed to do some research.

A normal healthy relationship is one where both partners feel connected and supported, yet still have their own identities, Communication and boundaries are the key to a successful relationship. Communication allows both partners the ability to express their concerns without fear or judgement from the other. Communication gives the feeling of connection and allows for the celebration and of accomplishments yet is there for the moral support on the dark times. Boundaries places guidelines on what each partner feels comfortable and uncomfortable with. Boundaries states that it is not acceptable to feel the need to check up on the other partner and to limit time with others. Boundaries also keeps from the accusations of unfaithfulness and the lack of trust.

After reading all of the information I realize that I have not made a true attempt at having a healthy relationship. Communication has never been an issue for me, but boundaries apparently is something that I need to seriously work on. I trust no one completely for fear of abandonment and rejection. I feel this driving need to know where my partner is all the time and want to be right by his side at all times. Sometimes I feel it is his obligation to keep me posted out of fear that he will abandon me. I have been know to check up with his comings and goings via the internet. The next step for me is to figure out how not to be this way.

My abandonment issues will take time for me to address because I learned of abandonment at an early age and it has been a consistent issue in my life. I will shoulder some of the blame here. I keep people at arm's length so they can get close enough to hurt me. I also push people away before they can love me, because the fear of rejection is so great.

I see the challenges before me and I am not afraid to address them. One foot is in front of the other and I am moving forward. No one gets ahead in life by constantly looking backwards.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

PTSD - My Own Personal Human Bondage

I may not have gone to war to have the traumatic effects of PTSD, but I do have the emotional capacity to be a bit broken down by them. My life started out dramatically to two parents who never really gave a shit of whether I lived or died. I am uncertain if they truly didn’t care or if they were too selfish to see past their own needs. I was forced off on relatives to care for me. My grandfather was one of the gentlest souls I have ever encountered in my life. My grandmother was a polar opposite of him. She was cruel and harsh. I was raised in a god fearing home. I learned early on not to speak unless spoken to. I learned how to conceal all emotions for fear of what was to come if I was either happy or sad. If I was happy, there was something evil that I was doing to be that way. If I was sad, there was no reason to be, because I have everything that should make me happy. I hated when she would dress my hair. If I didn’t sit perfectly still, she would pull it until it would come out in her hands. On occasion she would drag me across a room by my hair. There were times when the belt would come out that I wondered if she would ever quit hitting me. I prayed for escape. I prayed that the people who gave me life would love me enough to come rescue me. My prayers went unanswered for over 15 years. In the end either God did not exist for me or else he didn’t care, because there was something evil inside of me. After 15 years of mental and physical abuse, my abuser died a horrible yet fitting death. I was horrified at her passing, not because she was gone, but because I was relieved that she was gone. What kind of person was I to be glad that she was dead? Did that truly make me into an evil monster that she thought of me? Over the next 15 years of my life, out of guilt I think, I picked up where she left off. I never harmed myself physically, but mentally I abused myself. I didn’t care if I lived or died, because no one would notice if I was gone. I would tell myself that I could never do anything right and I would fail at anything that I did. I have used the term underachiever, but I believe that is a lie I tell myself. I have self sabotaged every aspect of my life. I have run people off before they have the chance to love me and seriously hurt me. How could I allow anyone to get close to me, when those who were meant to love me more than life itself never gave a damn? At nearly 37 years old I still huddle in a corner when people act aggressively around me. There are still the moments when the self abuse comes to light and it is typically when things don’t go the way I wish them to. I wish there was a switch that I could turn off to get through everything negative that has happened in my life, but I am not foolish enough to believe that. I know it will take work and time. It is something that I need, but more importantly my children need. I need to be the example of a strong and thriving woman for my daughter so she can become one also. Will I ever get past the abuse both mental and physical? I don't know, but I will not quit until there is no breath left in my body.

Saving the World: One Post at a Time

As a child I dreamed of saving the world. I thought that I would enter the peace corp and try to make a difference on a grand scale. After years of mental, physical, and sexual abuse, my drive to make a difference was depleted. I think I entered a self preservation mode for many years. How could I help others when I could barely get out of bed myself? In life I settled for the simple and whatever would keep my demons quiet. On the show Buffy: The Vampire Slayer there was an evil that wanted to rise up. The statement from that was: "From within it devours." That statement has stuck with me for years now. For me it has a significant meaning. My depression eats me from the inside out. Over the years I settled to become a special needs mom and battle the daily struggles my children face. If you are wonder why I say settled, I will tell you. This was not the grand scheme I envisioned for myself. Fighting for my children and their successes comes as natural as breathing. I still dream of making a difference in the lives of others. When I am dead I want to be remembered as the one who tried to make a difference in the lives of those I encountered. Through the abuse I came out stronger and more determined than I ever dreamed to be. I have the ability to help others by telling my stories and getting them out there for the world to see. If through me another finds an ounce of strength that they were lacking then I have accomplished something. At this stage in life I refuse to allow self sabotage to come into play. I plan to save those I can one post at a time.

Friday, March 6, 2015

Bobby: The Missing Piece of Me

Bobby was my oldest brother and probably the best of all of us. Today is the anniversary of his death. Every year on this day I mourn the brother I lost and never had the chance to meet. He has been gone now for 28 years. I miss the brother I was cheated out of knowing. I will always wonder what he would have been like. I wonder if he would have worshiped his baby sister and if his baby sister would have worshiped him. He was a warrior yet cancer took him from me at the age of 16. Robert Price, I will miss you until the last breath leaves my body for you are the missing piece of me.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Prolonging My Torment

“Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche 

When I think of hope I think of the myth of Pandora. She was sent to the Titan, Prometheus, as a punishment for man's theft of fire from the gods. How could a mere woman be a form of punishment? The gods blessed her with a box and told her to never open it. When she was created, an insatiable amount of curiosity was instilled in her. Her curiosity won out one day and she opened the box. She unleashed all the evils in the world. In a panic she closed the box, but left one item remaining inside. This object was hope.

Many days of late I feel the weight of the world on me and it seems every day there is a new roadblock preventing me from getting out of the rut I am in. Once a day I am tempted to throw my hands in the air and say, "I quit. I can't do this anymore." Then I remember that I am a cape wearing super mom and quitting is not an option. Every day I find a way to reopen my Pandora's box and see the hope that still resides inside. How easy it would be to quit and to say the hell with it all, but I then remember that I am not a quitter. I am a cape wearing special needs super mom. I did not survive years of mental and physical abuse to just roll over and die when things get hard. I am a fighter. I will continue to fight for me and mine until the last breath leaves my body.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

The Greatest Blessing in my Life

About 18 years and 9 months ago my world was in shambles. I had become everything I swore I would never be. I was barely 18 and had a failed marriage. I was lost and only wanted an escape from this world. I wanted to die. At the moment I was ready to give up and end it all, I found out that I was pregnant. I knew at that moment to take my own life would be to kill my unborn child also. I knew that I could not be that selfish. Decisions on what to do was my next step. I knew that I would be raising my child alone without any paternal help. I saw myself as a weak person with no backbone. How could I raise a child when I could not even stand up for myself? I knew abortion wasn't an option. For nine months I tossed around the idea of giving my child up for adoption and I continued to ponder that idea until the moment I gave birth. The moment I held him for the first time, I knew that I loved him more than life itself. On this day 18 years ago I gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby boy. I named him Trenton Chance. The name Chance was to symbolize the opportunity he gave me by being his mother. He became my salvation. I would not trade him for anything else in this world. I know with him I made mistakes on a grand scale and have done things that he may never forgive me for. Most of what I have done was for his benefit. Everyday I miss not being a part of his daily life, but he is in my mind and heart wherever I am and whatever I do. I love you more than breath, my son.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

To Be a Conquering Champion

From the moment of each of my children's conceptions I loved them more than life itself. I love each of my children differently and equally. My youngest son needed not only a mom but also a champion. He is mentally challenged and nonverbal. You might ask, "if he can't talk how are his needs met?" It's really simple. I am his voice. He has been mine for 9 years and I know him as no one else can.
Our battles are truly beginning. The school has been fighting against what's best for him for their best interest and not his. Rather than comply with instructions from his only caregiver they seek to bring others in that care nothing for him and where he will end up. Well we are finished with what they think is best. I am the mom and I wear the pants in this relationship. Either they join our side, which is his side, or get out of our way. He will get the education he deserves and is in his constitutional rights. The passive mom is gone. Now they get the warrior mom who will take no prisoners.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Intellectual Disability (Mental Retardation)

Intellectual disability (ID), once called mental retardation, is characterized by below-average intelligence or mental ability and a lack of skills necessary for day-to-day living. People with intellectual disabilities can and do learn new skills, but they learn them more slowly. There are varying degrees of intellectual disability, from mild to profound.

What is intellectual disability?

Someone with intellectual disability has limitations in two areas. These areas are:
  • Intellectual functioning. Also known as IQ, this refers to a person’s ability to learn, reason, make decisions, and solve problems.
  • Adaptive behaviors. These are skills necessary for day-to-day life, such as being able to communicate effectively, interact with others, and take care of oneself.
IQ (intelligence quotient) is measured by an IQ test. The average IQ is 100. A person is considered intellectually disabled if he or she has an IQ of less than 70 to 75.
To measure a child’s adaptive behaviors, a specialist will observe the child’s skills and compare them to other children of the same age. Things that may be observed include how well the child can feed or dress himself or herself; how well the child is able to communicate with and understand others; and how the child interacts with family, friends, and other children of the same age.
Intellectual disability is thought to affect about 1% of the population. Of those affected, 85% have mild intellectual disability. This means they are just a little slower than average to learn new information or skills. With the right support, most will be able to live independently as adults.

What are the signs of intellectual disability in children?

There are many different signs of intellectual disability in children. Signs may appear during infancy, or they may not be noticeable until a child reaches school age. It often depends on the severity of the disability. Some of the most common signs of intellectual disability are:
  • Rolling over, sitting up, crawling, or walking late
  • Talking late or having trouble with talking
  • Slow to master things like potty training, dressing, and feeding himself or herself
  • Difficulty remembering things
  • Inability to connect actions with consequences
  • Behavior problems such as explosive tantrums
  • Difficulty with problem-solving or logical thinking

In children with severe or profound intellectual disability, there may be other health problems as well. These problems may include seizures, mental disorders, motor handicaps, vision problems, or hearing problems.

What causes intellectual disability?

Anytime something interferes with normal brain development, intellectual disability can result. However, a specific cause for intellectual disability can only be pinpointed about a third of the time.
The most common causes of intellectual disability are:
  • Genetic conditions. These include things like Down syndrome and fragile X syndrome.
  • Problems during pregnancy.Things that can interfere with fetal brain development include alcohol or drug use, malnutrition, certain infections, or preeclampsia.
  • Problems during childbirth.Intellectual disability may result if a baby is deprived of oxygen during childbirth or born extremely premature.
  • Illness or injury. Infections like meningitiswhooping cough, or themeasles can lead to intellectual disability. Severe head injury, near-drowning, extreme malnutrition, exposure to toxic substances such as lead, and severe neglect or abuse can also cause it.

Can intellectual disability be prevented?

Certain causes of intellectual disability are preventable. The most common of these is fetal alcohol syndrome. Pregnant women shouldn’t drink alcohol. Getting proper prenatal care, taking a prenatal vitamin, and getting vaccinated against certain infectious diseases can also lower the risk that your child will be born with intellectual disabilities.
In families with a history of genetic disorders, genetic testing may be recommended before conception.
Certain tests, such as ultrasound and amniocentesis, can also be performed during pregnancy to look for problems associated with intellectual disability. Although these tests may identify problems before birth, they cannot correct them.

How is intellectual disability diagnosed?

Intellectual disability may be suspected for many different reasons. If a baby has physical abnormalities that suggest a genetic or metabolic disorder, a variety of tests may be done to confirm the diagnosis. These include blood tests, urine tests, imaging tests to look for structural problems in the brain, or electroencephalogram (EEG) to look for evidence of seizures.
In children with developmental delays, the doctor will perform tests to rule out other problems, including hearing problems and certain neurological disorders. If no other cause can be found for the delays, the child will be referred for formal testing.
Three things factor into the diagnosis of intellectual disability: interviews with the parents, observation of the child, and testing of intelligence and adaptive behaviors. A child is considered intellectually disabled if he or she has deficits in both IQ and adaptive behaviors. If only one or the other is present, the child is not considered intellectually disabled.
After a diagnosis of intellectual disability is made, a team of professionals will assess the child’s particular strengths and weaknesses. This helps them determine how much and what kind of support the child will need to succeed at home, in school, and in the community.

What services are available for people with intellectual disability?

For babies and toddlers, early intervention programs are available. A team of professionals works with parents to write an Individualized Family Service Plan, or IFSP. This document outlines the child’s specific needs and what services will help the child thrive. Early intervention may include speech therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, family counseling, training with special assistive devices, or nutritionservices.
School-aged children with intellectual disabilities (including preschoolers) are eligible for special education for free through the public school system. This is mandated by the Individuals With Disabilities Education Act (IDEA). Parents and educators work together to create an Individualized Education Program, or IEP, which outlines the child’s needs and the services the child will receive at school. The point of special education is to make adaptations, accommodations, and modifications that allow a child with an intellectual disability to succeed in the classroom.

What can I do to help my intellectually disabled child?

Steps to help your intellectually disabled child include:
  • Learn everything you can about intellectual disabilities. The more you know, the better advocate you can be for your child.
  • Encourage your child’s independence. Let your child try new things and encourage your child to do things by himself or herself. Provide guidance when it’s needed and give positive feedback when your child does something well or masters something new.
  • Get your child involved in group activities. Taking an art class or participating in Scouts will help your child build social skills.
  • Stay involved. By keeping in touch with your child’s teachers, you’ll be able to follow his or her progress and reinforce what your child is learning at school through practice at home.
  • Get to know other parents of intellectually disabled children. They can be a great source of advice and emotional support.

Should I Have Killed my Child?

When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, I was advised to have an abortion. Not for a minute did I consider that an option. For me abortion equals murder. I loved that boy from the moment he was conceived. From the moment he drew his first breath he became my world. At 15 months I realized he was not perfect in the standards of the world. Over the next few years he was diagnosed with a mental disability. I questioned how could I have a slow child when I myself am a brilliant person. It is not fair. Recently I received the news that mentally he would never be his age and that no matter how old he was he would always be my little boy. Many parents state that they wish their child would never grow up and leave their home, but theirs has that option. I want my boy to grow up, move out, and have a family of his own. This was a shattered dream of mine. As reality has set in I realize that he will be ridiculed and bullied because he is just that different. Though he will never truly grasp that these people are making fun of him, I will see it and hurt for him. I have wondered if ending his life in the beginning would have been the better choice for him. He would know no hurt or scorn. He would not have to fight for the things other kids take for granted. I have realized his place in this world is to teach other people. He has the capacity to educate people on how to be compassionate and understanding. Through him the world can be further educated on the term "mentally retarded" and no allow that word to have a stigma for ridicule.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Beyond our control

Our stars aren't always fixed. The constellations of our futures are ever changing. Sometimes we may feel overwhelmed by things we can't control. That's when it's ok to relinquish some control and ask for help. 
There's not one among us that hasn't lost a friend, a relative, someone we held near and dear to our hearts. There's not one among that hasn't needed help at some point. Financial, emotional, psychological...the list goes on. To try to take on the weight of these things by one's self may lead to despair. 
The loss of one so young is hard. They've not had a chance to fulfill their potential but their memory has a purpose as much as their would. 

Wants vs Needs

(author unknown)
We often confuse these two things: I WANT and I NEED. Although they may seem to be the same at first glance, there is a huge difference in the two. We want a lot of things in life; money, new cars, a beautiful home, success, and hot fudge sundaes, just to name a few. But how many of them do we really need? Very often the things we want are not always things that are the best for us and are usually self-indulgent wishes that change as fast as the top ten hits on VH1. “Needs” are a different situation. They are the fundamentals we require to remain mentally and physically healthy and allow us to grow spiritually and emotionally. I may really want a hot fudge sundae but survive quite well without it. But, I cannot thrive without my basic needs being met.
We’ve had many encounters with unhappy submissives who bemoan the fact their Dominant does not give them what they need. As we listen to the list of complaints, we sometimes find a lot of “wants” mixed in with a few valid “needs” in the charges against their Dominant. Sorting them out isn’t always easy for either the submissive or Dominant in a relationship. Each person is unique and comes with their own special requirements. Without a doubt, this is one area that requires communication skills and time before either party can confidently determine what they want or need from the other. The Submissive Owner’s Manual may help you to understand some of the complexities of the Dominant/submissive relationship.
Submissive Owner’s Manual
I need to feel safe
  • Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You, I need to feel safe and have reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control of my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after I’ve given myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You. I may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no matter how You stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I will remain safe in Your care.
I need to know You accept me for all I am
  • I will be many things to You as our relationship grows and I need to know You accept me as a person during each transition along the way. I need to know You accept me as a friend, lover, companion, and Your submissive but also accept me as parent, child, employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society.
I need to have clearly defined limits
  • I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.
I need You to be consistent
  • I need to know You mean what You say and that today’s rules will apply to tomorrow’s behavior. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You’ve given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You’ve chosen for me. It’s not done to try Your patience, but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it’s not done consciously and I promise I’ll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.
I need to expand my limits
  • I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own, I’ll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I’ve been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I’m unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.
I need You to teach me
  • I need to learn, and it is You who are my teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that I can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.
I need goals
  • Part of my make-up as a submissive makes me very goal-oriented. I need them to measure my progress and need You to provide them for me. Take time to explain those goals in ways I can comprehend Your plans concerning my growth as Your submissive. Without Your direction, I quickly become lost so I’ll look to You frequently to provide a purpose and aim as I continue in my development as a submissive.
I need to be corrected
  • I need You to correct me when I make mistakes. Without Your correction, I will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as individuals. Without Your correction, I may never know I’ve made a mistake. Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the end. I admire firmness in Your correction and feel secure in knowing that You will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals You’ve set for me.
I need You to be my role-model
  • I look up to You and try to follow in Your footsteps. If You fail to live up to a standard, I will follow You into failure, often without You noticing until it is too late. I learn quickly by the examples You provide for me and often base my reactions and behaviors on my observations of You in similar situations. I will blindly pattern myself in Your image, so be aware that my eyes will always be on You as You face Your own challenges and daily activities.
I need Your approval and reassurance
  • I need to know when You approve of me or what I’ve done and to know I belong to You even if I fall short of my goals. I sometimes confuse approval with disapproval when You do not provide positive reinforcement when You are pleased by my actions. I will constantly be seeking Your approval when I’m unsure of myself and may need to rely deeply on Your support and reassurance when I’m confused about a situation or apprehensive about a new challenge.
I need to be able to express myself
  • I have a need to express both good and bad things to You but it may be difficult for me to put the negative things into words. I fear Your rejection and hate disappointing You, so I may need a little space and time to voice all the things I need to say. You can help me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren’t something You find pleasure in hearing. There may be times when I’m upset or angry with You but without freedom to express those feelings, there can be only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours.
I need to learn from my mistakes
  • I need to experience things that may be painful in order to learn successfully. I know Your protective nature will struggle with allowing me to be hurt but I need to learn the consequences of what I’ve done and to experience the feelings that go along with making mistakes. I will need Your comfort once I’ve faced my failure, but will sometimes feel unworthy of asking or unable to voice my disappointment in failing. Allow me to sort out my feelings before wiping away my tears.
I need forgiveness when I fail You
  • Nothing hurts me more than to know I’ve failed or displeased You, and I need to be forgiven once I’ve made amends. It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrong-doing and I may need Your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse I am carrying. I may even need to be punished, if my wrong-doing was traumatic enough, in order to feel closure and accept forgiveness. I depend on You to make that determination for me and need Your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to You.
I need to feel I contribute
  • I have a deep-set need to give and must have outlets for this need. My basic nature is to give of myself and You will be the primary recipient of my gifts. Allow me to contribute to our relationship and our life together. To do less will leave me unfulfilled and unneeded, a fate worse than death for me. Provide me with ways to contribute things to others, also. I may need to give of myself to those I hold dear but You will always receive the best I have to offer.
I need to enjoy successes
  • Without experiencing and enjoying my successes, I may give up my fight to be all You desire for me. Allow me the pleasure of savoring the taste of victory when I overcome an obstacle or if You find pride in my attempts. All of my successes belong to You and I need to share their rewards with You. I don’t expect You to spoil me with grand displays for little victories, but when I’ve reached beyond the limits of my past attempts, please don’t deny me the sweet feelings of knowing I've achieved a goal You've set.
I need to share with You
  • Sharing with You is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature. This includes the emotional and spiritual aspects of my being as well as the physical body I inhabit. It may be difficult for me to give You access to the deeper levels of my emotions and feelings, but those are the things I need to share the most. I’ll depend on You to direct me in ways I can achieve total openness with You. I also need to share in the things You are. Trust me enough to share in Your fears, failures and struggles. I’ll never see You as weak or incapable because You have shown confidence in me by giving part of Yourself in trust.
I need to feel loved, respected, and protected in Your ownership
  • No matter how well I’ve done or how miserably I’ve failed, I need to know I’m still loved and protected by You. Nothing will prevent me from trying new things like fear of losing Your respect and love. By the reverse, nothing will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all I am capable of being more than knowing You will be there to protect me from harm and will love me even if I fall short of the target. I need to be loved and to love You in return. I can’t survive without it.

With a Heavy Heart

Tonight my heart is filled with emotion. My friend found out 20 weeks ago that he was going to be a dad for the first time. He was absolutely thrilled at this new life prospect. His joy turned into grief this week. The baby girl decided to come into this world 20 weeks too early. She never had a chance at life. Through his loss I am able to see the blessings set before me. I have three healthy and full of life children. None of my children are perfect but they are alive and well. No matter what challenges lay before me there is a comfort in that. They give me that reason to get up tomorrow and a reason to fight for what they need and want. There is nothing more important in my life than my little family. As you tuck your children into bed tonight, remember to be thankful for the gift bestowed upon you and never take it for granted.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015


Tonight I sit here and reflect upon the day. I realize that most people are generally thoughtless and only care for themselves. They put their needs and wants above others. When as a society did we become so thoughtless that are needs are more important than others? Isn't our purpose on this earth to help others and not make life harder than it has to be?

Tuesday, February 17, 2015


Today my heart is heavy. I am at a loss on how to help my child. He is out of control for the school and I don't know how to fix it. I am thinking of throwing up my hands and screaming, "what's next?"

Monday, February 16, 2015

The Devastating Reality in Our Life

Monday, February 9th, 2015, started out like any other day for me. I had found my calm about Kaden and his disability. I had adjusted to the nearly daily calls from the school because his behaviors had escalated at school and they could not keep his violent tendencies muted. I had went to work that morning like every other Monday. We finished the job a little early and I was heading home. I received a phone call and the guy had introduced himself as a crisis counselor. I heard the words "Kaden" "cops" "mental facility" and the rest of the conversation seemed to be drowned out. I screamed at this man over the phone, "Do you people not realize that he has the mind of a three year old?" It was at this point that I realized my hands were tied on what I could do for him legally. I arrived home and called the hospital. I was told that they were currently processing him and that they had to hold him for 24 hours because he had become a threat to himself and others. When he saw the doctor the next day, the doctor could enforce a 72 hour hold and I could not see my child until Wednesday. I was encouraged to bring him certain items to make him more comfortable. I was made at ease to know that he was calm and didn't appear scared. For the next hour I had to reign in the rage I was feeling towards the school. How dare they not call me! I know my son and I could get him to calm down! I am his mother! I drove to the school in the rain shaking and fearful of what they might say when I got there. Once at the school I spoke with the ESE lead and the principal. They told me that he was agitated from the time he stepped off of the bus and until the crisis counselor took him away. Around 11 am Kaden threw a chair at another student. The teacher had the aide remove all of the other children. He broke apart an easel and had a metal pipe in his hand by doing so. Before his fit of rage was done five people were called into the room to diffuse the situation. I had informed the school that the more people that are around him when he turns violent the more violent he will be. People seem to fuel his rage. It took them an hour and a half to get him calmed down and not once did I receive a phone call to let me know that he was having a crisis.All evening all I could think about was how upset and scared he must be. He would feel like I had abandoned him. I cried until I realized I had no tears left inside of me.  He was released from the hospital on Tuesday. I had never been so excited to see my little boy. I asked him if he had been scared and he told me no. I have come to the realization that this will probably not be the only time he sees a hospital for these reasons, but I will be damned if I don't fight for him and to keep him out of such places.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

A New Day Dawns and a New Journey Begins

On Wednesday, January 21st, 2015, my hope for my son, Kaden was shattered. I was under the impression that he was autistic. With the autism diagnosis there was hope that he could outgrow some of the issues he has. On this Wednesday I was told that he was intellectually disabled, which means he is mentally retarded. All my hopes and dreams for him came crashing down. He will never grow up. He will never drive a car. He will never get married. He will never have children of his own. I questioned for weeks the mean of his existence. His existence is a means for many to point and laugh at his struggles and failures. I raged about the unfairness of it all. I didn't sign up for this. This was not the life I had planned for him or for me. I screamed that he deserved the life of any typical child. What did I do for us to deserve this? The answer was, "Nothing." We drew the short straw in the genetic lottery. I was preparing to train my younger daughter for the day where she would assume the responsibility of taking over his care when my time ends. The specialist told me that I was putting limits on her life also. She deserves the life she wants and can have. In short she can have the life that was denied for him. I was told that I needed to live a life outside of Kaden. I needed to learn to live and not exist to maintain his needs.

One day I had taken my kids to the park. There were other kids there playing. Kaden was in a mood and wanted to scream about everything. A dad scolded his son for being mean to mine. I told that dad his kid did nothing to mine, but this is just how Kaden is. The dad took his son aside and explained that Kaden was different than most children. After the talk the boy tried more to make sure Kaden was enjoying the park experience. This boy taught me something that day: Kaden's possible purpose. If through Kaden others can learn understanding and compassion, it might just be the purpose for Kaden's existence. At that moment I found some peace in the news that my son is different.

Our journey has just begun and we will embrace each new experience with courage and determination.

I Am......

I Am...... bold
I Am...... brave
I Am...... fearless
I Am...... courageous
I Am...... inventive
I Am...... daring
I Am...... limitless
I Am...... wise
I Am...... tenacious
I Am...... spirited
I Am...... undismayed
I Am...... undaunted
I Am...... beautiful
I Am...... desirable
I Am...... pleasant
I Am...... admirable
I Am...... a cape wearing special needs mom.