The most common lie we are told is only three small words: I love you. Though I'm aware there are many different ways to love, our words are pronounced by our actions. I hear those words from friends yet there's no action behind them. When in need I'm forced to figure it out on my own. Fuck it, I'll do it myself. Then there's the love of family. They say I love you and I feel that's more out of obligation than out of true feelings. Fuck it, I don't need you. I've survived for over 39 years without you or your emotional support. Today I've come to the realization I don't need anyone. I've got this shit. I'll figure it all out alone. I don't need anyone. Fuck it, I'm a shield maiden and my gods give me the strength to do it on my own.
Saturday, April 15, 2017
Andre Gide said “It is better to hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” Today has been an unintentional reflection upon than quote. Years ago when I was experiencing a dark time, I met with a therapist. After several weeks of seeing her she told me that I knew what my issues were, but I lacked the knowledge to fix myself. That was the last time I saw her. Why would I continue seeing someone who only wanted to discuss the childhood abuse that I have has buried for decades, when that wasn’t the biggest issue I was facing. The biggest issues I face these days are self-abuse and the ability to make the same poor decisions over and over again. I can finally see the pattern. A lot of the current issues began in childhood. I have spent 39 years seeking the love of another, because of the parental abandonment. This search has led me to men who swear they care, but they are emotionally unavailable to me. Maybe it is just me that they are unavailable to, because I honestly do not know how to have a relationship. Never in my life have I ever saw a healthy relationship. I know I am demanding in attention and that pushes people away. I swear the next person that tells me that I need to love myself I’m going to punch them in the face. It’s not about self-love to demand to be respected. I know my worth and I’ll be damned if I settle for a man who would disrespect me and will pay games with my head and heart. One day they will see what they threw away, because some other bitch played them for a fool. My days of settling for less than I deserve are over. I am woman, I am a shield maiden, and I am fierce.
Monday, April 10, 2017
As children we cling to our parental for love and guidance. For most children it is a mother or father. For me it was my Papa. He was my parental grandfather. At the age of 60 he took me on to raise though I never as a child or teenager recognized his sacrifice. He gave up his retirement for an ungrateful brat, who wasn’t satisfied because he was not my technical father. When I was scared because of the nightmares that plagued me, he was the one I called out for. When I broke my arm at 4, he’s the one that sat with me in the ER all night. When I tried to lose a finger because of stupidity in second grade he was the one that sat with me through countless doctor visits. Never once did he complain for being saddled with me though I gave him every reason to. For many years I knew that I would always be loved by him no matter what I did or how many times I must have failed him. I also knew that as long as he was alive nothing bad could happen to me, because he’d always be there. I no longer hold that comfort. He’s been gone nearly a decade, but I still miss him as if he passed yesterday. Today is the anniversary of his birth, and is a reminder of the grief I still feel because he’s no longer in this world. I would give up everything for just one more day to be Papa’s little girl, to sit and watch the Braves play, and to tell him how sorry I am for failing him. I became everything he never wanted for me. I became a single mom of three, though I know he would have loved them all dearly because they came from me. He never got to see my daughter’s face in this world, but I’d like to think he sees her from where he is sitting now. He was a devout Christian and his faith in his God never faltered, but Christianity was something I could never embrace. In my eyes there were too many loopholes. I became openly Pagan. I am technically heathen and proud. I know my faith in my gods would be a major source of disgappointment for him. What can I do now knowing that I am not what he’d want for me?
Friday, March 10, 2017
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
Today I'm sad. I'm sad for many different reasons. The main one was the loss of my current relationship. It was simple, but in the end we were both missing something we both needed from another, but we couldn't get from each other. It was a decision we both reached together and there's no hard feelings, which is rare for me. Now I just feel lost. I don't adapt to change very well. The gypsy in me wants to go on a new adventure, but can't decide a new direction for me and mine. Today I cry and wallow a bit. Tomorrow I'm going to say goodbye to a dear aunt for her time in this world is coming to an end. Now I feel a tantrum coming on. When do I get my chance? When do I get my happy ending?
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
I sit here today and I'm simply amazed at the changes one year can bring in my life. In 2016 I was brought to the lowest I've ever been before. I refuse to put myself in that position again. 2017 is restoring my hope for a brilliant future for my children and myself. I know I'm not satisfied with the way my life is now and I want more for my future. Clearly I can see the aspects of my life that I don't enjoy and plan to make changes to alter them. This year I see with such clarity that family isn't blood shared, but rather the tears, hopes, and fears we share with those we are closest to. For the the sisters who have come into my life I am truly blessed to have them. The man in my life places no expectations on me and I expect nothing from him. We enjoy each day we have with each other. For me I know we are not promised anything in this works. All we have is this moment and what we do with it is entirely up to us.