Saturday, November 18, 2017

Motivated

Over the past month I have undergone some dramatic changes, some good, some bad. I always felt that I needed a man to make me feel validated. The lesson I learned from the latest ex was: I don't need a man to complete me, especially if he can't form empathy for my circumstances. As for me deciding to quit my job with none to fall back on: I did it for my children and my health. I have a child failing in school and i couldn't tell the teacher if there was any studying being done or not. I went to the hospital a few months back with stroke like symptoms. The doctor told me that I needed to learn to manage my stress better or it could be a stroke next time. Every day I nearly panicked on who could watch my children while i worked. The final straw was having a full blown panic attack in the front yard. I knew then that I couldn't go back, because the employer wouldn't give me the schedule I required. As for the next stage of my life: I don't know where we are going but I know here is not where we belong. The fates have been screaming that at me since we got here and i was too blind to see it. For now we are living day to day until I figure out the next move. Because I am uncertain of my future I'm not getting involved with any man on any level. This is now the time of me and mine. I want us to be better and strive for better. There will be no more complaining about the extra weight around the middle (Hell I'm nearly 40 and look good for my age). Now is the time to fix it for myself. Since my youngest children were born I've not pursued knowledge as I did before. Knowledge is the ultimate power and I plan to be able to rule the world even if it's a stroke of a key at times. I've slacked growing spiritually and that will change. I plan to embrace my Heathen path and know all there is to know about it. I am Heathen and I am proud of it. I'm sorry that there will be some that will judge me for it and I will lose them over it. If they were true then there would be no sacrifice. In closing I will say this: I'M MAKING THIS WORLD MY BITCH, EITHER STAND BESIDE ME OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.


Inspiration

Where do you find your inspiration? Where do you find your drive? Lately for me I have been lacking in both regards. To get up has been a struggle. Today, I woke up and said to myself, "No more." I have no clue what lies ahead for us, but I do know that this is not the place for us to grow and thrive. I have no clue what direction lays before us, but I know that we will do it with dignity and honor, because I am a heathen and that's what we do. I have had to do a morality check lately and have come to the realization that if I have to sacrifice my dignity to maintain necessities. Nothing is worth losing your honor, because man seeks to take it from you. Doors have closed, that need to be closed. We are ready for the next chapter and the next adventure.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Liars in Our Midst

I've come to realize that lying has become second nature to each and everyone of us. We use the words I love you too freely. Many don't know the true meaning of the words I love you. Some say it as a means to make someone feel better, because there are times when I like you just doesn't do exactly what I love you would. There's the guys after a one-night stand where's all the sweating a one-time thing this will happen again. Yet you never seem to hear from them again. Is it anyone's loss? People lie to keep from being uncomfortable. We can tell the truth and save some one potential heartache and discovering the LIE, but it is become convenient to tell that lie. Is it justifiable to lie to someone? I can't say that I'm blameless in not lying, but I'm a big girl and I try to say what I think and what I feel regardless of how it makes another feel.


Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Somedays

Some days I feel like I have it all figured out. Other days I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. Being an adult doesn't come with any instructions. Everything is trial and error. I'm at this stage in life where I'm afraid that every decision I make is going to be the wrong one. It's not just my life I'm concerned with but the lives of my three children. Days like today I wish my grandfather were still alive so I could go to him and talk to him and ask him what's right choice. But that's not an option. Everything is on me. If I fall it isn't just mean that some feel the repercussions. My children will suffer also. Over the past couple weeks of pondered over a few Life Choices. today I made one choice official. I decided that my children didn't need the baggage that their father aka the donor had to offer them. He's the type a father that likes the title of father yet he does nothing to deserve the title. It has been over a decade since he seen his children. He makes no effort to see them now even after all the time that has passed. His daughter knows nothing of him other than his name. She has no memories of him and that may be a blessing for her sake. I will not put my children in the position to wear that he could hurt them either mentally or physically. I know deep down inside this was the right choice for them. I wish I could say out loud that it hurt me to sever ties with him. but it didn't. How can something hurt that means nothing to you?

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Changes or Chances

Why do people seek to hide things or deceive me? Do they not realize I sense the truth before I hear it? I feel a change in the air. In some ways it will be a positive change, yet in other ways it will complicate my life. I just wish people had the nerve to be upfront with me.I'm ready for the changes for they are new chances in the making.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Maternal Guilt

As parents how many times do we need that break from our children? This past weekend I took a break from my children and my life. While I was gone through a chain of circumstances my princess was injured and was rushed to the hospital. I couldn't get there in time. My child cried for me and I wasn't there. My heart shattered in a million of pieces and I feel that I failed her in so many different ways. On the positive note I was able to open my eyes to see what is really around me and know what is truly valuable.

Traitorous Friend

She calls herself a friend yet she betrays me every chance she gets. She says she's a friend yet she won't stand against someone who does me wrong. She says she's got my back yet she keeps secrets of other's betrayals and misdeeds. Anything that isn't healthy is toxic and she's toxic in my life.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Sometimes "Fuck It" Says It All

The most common lie we are told is only three small words: I love you. Though I'm aware there are many different ways to love, our words are pronounced by our actions. I hear those words from friends yet there's no action behind them. When in need I'm forced to figure it out on my own. Fuck it, I'll do it myself. Then there's the love of family. They say I love you and I feel that's more out of obligation than out of true feelings. Fuck it, I don't need you. I've survived for over 39 years without you or your emotional support. Today I've come to the realization I don't need anyone. I've got this shit. I'll figure it all out alone. I don't need anyone. Fuck it, I'm a shield maiden and my gods give me the strength to do it on my own.


Saturday, April 15, 2017

Reflections of a Shield Maiden



Andre Gide said “It is better to hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” Today has been an unintentional reflection upon than quote. Years ago when I was experiencing a dark time, I met with a therapist. After several weeks of seeing her she told me that I knew what my issues were, but I lacked the knowledge to fix myself. That was the last time I saw her. Why would I continue seeing someone who only wanted to discuss the childhood abuse that I have has buried for decades, when that wasn’t the biggest issue I was facing. The biggest issues I face these days are self-abuse and the ability to make the same poor decisions over and over again. I can finally see the pattern. A lot of the current issues began in childhood. I have spent 39 years seeking the love of another, because of the parental abandonment. This search has led me to men who swear they care, but they are emotionally unavailable to me. Maybe it is just me that they are unavailable to, because I honestly do not know how to have a relationship. Never in my life have I ever saw a healthy relationship. I know I am demanding in attention and that pushes people away. I swear the next person that tells me that I need to love myself I’m going to punch them in the face. It’s not about self-love to demand to be respected. I know my worth and I’ll be damned if I settle for a man who would disrespect me and will pay games with my head and heart. One day they will see what they threw away, because some other bitch played them for a fool. My days of settling for less than I deserve are over. I am woman, I am a shield maiden, and I am fierce.


Monday, April 10, 2017

Hole in my Soul


As children we cling to our parental for love and guidance. For most children it is a mother or father. For me it was my Papa. He was my parental grandfather. At the age of 60 he took me on to raise though I never as a child or teenager recognized his sacrifice. He gave up his retirement for an ungrateful brat, who wasn’t satisfied because he was not my technical father. When I was scared because of the nightmares that plagued me, he was the one I called out for. When I broke my arm at 4, he’s the one that sat with me in the ER all night. When I tried to lose a finger because of stupidity in second grade he was the one that sat with me through countless doctor visits. Never once did he complain for being saddled with me though I gave him every reason to. For many years I knew that I would always be loved by him no matter what I did or how many times I must have failed him. I also knew that as long as he was alive nothing bad could happen to me, because he’d always be there. I no longer hold that comfort. He’s been gone nearly a decade, but I still miss him as if he passed yesterday. Today is the anniversary of his birth, and is a reminder of the grief I still feel because he’s no longer in this world. I would give up everything for just one more day to be Papa’s little girl, to sit and watch the Braves play, and to tell him how sorry I am for failing him. I became everything he never wanted for me. I became a single mom of three, though I know he would have loved them all dearly because they came from me. He never got to see my daughter’s face in this world, but I’d like to think he sees her from where he is sitting now. He was a devout Christian and his faith in his God never faltered, but Christianity was something I could never embrace. In my eyes there were too many loopholes. I became openly Pagan. I am technically heathen and proud. I know my faith in my gods would be a major source of disgappointment for him. What can I do now knowing that I am not what he’d want for me?


Friday, March 10, 2017

Faith in Ourselves

Some days our faith in ourselves is shaken and strength is nearly impossible yet we find it deep within ourselves. Rise to the challenge today can bring.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Misplaced Emotions

Today I'm sad. I'm sad for many different reasons. The main one was the loss of my current relationship. It was simple, but in the end we were both missing something we both needed from another, but we couldn't get from each other. It was a decision we both reached together and there's no hard feelings, which is rare for me. Now I just feel lost. I don't adapt to change very well. The gypsy in me wants to go on a new adventure, but can't decide a new direction for me and mine. Today I cry and wallow a bit. Tomorrow I'm going to say goodbye to a dear aunt for her time in this world is coming to an end. Now I feel a tantrum coming on. When do I get my chance? When do I get my happy ending?


Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Bright Tomorrows

I sit here today and I'm simply amazed at the changes one year can bring in my life. In 2016 I was brought to the lowest I've ever been before. I refuse to put myself in that position again. 2017 is restoring my hope for a brilliant future for my children and myself. I know I'm not satisfied with the way my life is now and I want more for my future. Clearly I can see the aspects of my life that I don't enjoy and plan to make changes to alter them. This year I see with such clarity that family isn't blood shared, but rather the tears, hopes, and fears we share with those we are closest to. For the the sisters who have come into my life I am truly blessed to have them. The man in my life places no expectations on me and I expect nothing from him. We enjoy each day we have with each other. For me I know we are not promised anything in this works. All we have is this moment and what we do with it is entirely up to us.