Friday, December 22, 2017
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
Saturday, December 16, 2017
Tuesday, December 12, 2017
Over the years I have held onto people who have no value in my life. I held onto my father because he sired me. I was raised to honor my father and my mother, Would Christians view it as a sin to know that I cannot honor a man with no honor or integrity? I don't think it matters what they believe. I have to do what's best for me and mine. I held onto the hope that my children's fathers would be the man that they deserve. He can't put their needs above his own and now the time comes that he's been in their lives longer than I should have allowed. I've dated a few men over the years that I remained friends with and some of their presences are a reflection of what I perceive to be my shortcomings. Recently I had to walk away from one, because he could only see his needs and didn't realize that my life was falling apart. I have a love for him and always will, but I know he has no purpose in my life. I have "friends" in my life who are only around when something is needed from me. Now is the time to sever ties. If it doesn't benefit me or mine then they serve no purpose in my life and are only holding me back from the life I have earned. To those who currently serve no purpose in my life: Thank you for the lessons in my life. To those who always stand beside me through the good and the bad: Thank you for the blessing of having you in my life. You are loved. To those who stood with me over the years that were taken from this world (Papa, Katie, Jeva, Alexis, Joe, Donna, and Elsie): Thank you for the part of my life you were a part of. I wouldn't be the person I am today without you.
Saturday, November 18, 2017
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
Some days I feel like I have it all figured out. Other days I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. Being an adult doesn't come with any instructions. Everything is trial and error. I'm at this stage in life where I'm afraid that every decision I make is going to be the wrong one. It's not just my life I'm concerned with but the lives of my three children. Days like today I wish my grandfather were still alive so I could go to him and talk to him and ask him what's right choice. But that's not an option. Everything is on me. If I fall it isn't just mean that some feel the repercussions. My children will suffer also. Over the past couple weeks of pondered over a few Life Choices. today I made one choice official. I decided that my children didn't need the baggage that their father aka the donor had to offer them. He's the type a father that likes the title of father yet he does nothing to deserve the title. It has been over a decade since he seen his children. He makes no effort to see them now even after all the time that has passed. His daughter knows nothing of him other than his name. She has no memories of him and that may be a blessing for her sake. I will not put my children in the position to wear that he could hurt them either mentally or physically. I know deep down inside this was the right choice for them. I wish I could say out loud that it hurt me to sever ties with him. but it didn't. How can something hurt that means nothing to you?
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Why do people seek to hide things or deceive me? Do they not realize I sense the truth before I hear it? I feel a change in the air. In some ways it will be a positive change, yet in other ways it will complicate my life. I just wish people had the nerve to be upfront with me.I'm ready for the changes for they are new chances in the making.
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
As parents how many times do we need that break from our children? This past weekend I took a break from my children and my life. While I was gone through a chain of circumstances my princess was injured and was rushed to the hospital. I couldn't get there in time. My child cried for me and I wasn't there. My heart shattered in a million of pieces and I feel that I failed her in so many different ways. On the positive note I was able to open my eyes to see what is really around me and know what is truly valuable.
She calls herself a friend yet she betrays me every chance she gets. She says she's a friend yet she won't stand against someone who does me wrong. She says she's got my back yet she keeps secrets of other's betrayals and misdeeds. Anything that isn't healthy is toxic and she's toxic in my life.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Saturday, April 15, 2017
Andre Gide said “It is better to hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” Today has been an unintentional reflection upon than quote. Years ago when I was experiencing a dark time, I met with a therapist. After several weeks of seeing her she told me that I knew what my issues were, but I lacked the knowledge to fix myself. That was the last time I saw her. Why would I continue seeing someone who only wanted to discuss the childhood abuse that I have has buried for decades, when that wasn’t the biggest issue I was facing. The biggest issues I face these days are self-abuse and the ability to make the same poor decisions over and over again. I can finally see the pattern. A lot of the current issues began in childhood. I have spent 39 years seeking the love of another, because of the parental abandonment. This search has led me to men who swear they care, but they are emotionally unavailable to me. Maybe it is just me that they are unavailable to, because I honestly do not know how to have a relationship. Never in my life have I ever saw a healthy relationship. I know I am demanding in attention and that pushes people away. I swear the next person that tells me that I need to love myself I’m going to punch them in the face. It’s not about self-love to demand to be respected. I know my worth and I’ll be damned if I settle for a man who would disrespect me and will pay games with my head and heart. One day they will see what they threw away, because some other bitch played them for a fool. My days of settling for less than I deserve are over. I am woman, I am a shield maiden, and I am fierce.
Monday, April 10, 2017
As children we cling to our parental for love and guidance. For most children it is a mother or father. For me it was my Papa. He was my parental grandfather. At the age of 60 he took me on to raise though I never as a child or teenager recognized his sacrifice. He gave up his retirement for an ungrateful brat, who wasn’t satisfied because he was not my technical father. When I was scared because of the nightmares that plagued me, he was the one I called out for. When I broke my arm at 4, he’s the one that sat with me in the ER all night. When I tried to lose a finger because of stupidity in second grade he was the one that sat with me through countless doctor visits. Never once did he complain for being saddled with me though I gave him every reason to. For many years I knew that I would always be loved by him no matter what I did or how many times I must have failed him. I also knew that as long as he was alive nothing bad could happen to me, because he’d always be there. I no longer hold that comfort. He’s been gone nearly a decade, but I still miss him as if he passed yesterday. Today is the anniversary of his birth, and is a reminder of the grief I still feel because he’s no longer in this world. I would give up everything for just one more day to be Papa’s little girl, to sit and watch the Braves play, and to tell him how sorry I am for failing him. I became everything he never wanted for me. I became a single mom of three, though I know he would have loved them all dearly because they came from me. He never got to see my daughter’s face in this world, but I’d like to think he sees her from where he is sitting now. He was a devout Christian and his faith in his God never faltered, but Christianity was something I could never embrace. In my eyes there were too many loopholes. I became openly Pagan. I am technically heathen and proud. I know my faith in my gods would be a major source of disgappointment for him. What can I do now knowing that I am not what he’d want for me?