Prolonging My Torment

“Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche 

When I think of hope I think of the myth of Pandora. She was sent to the Titan, Prometheus, as a punishment for man's theft of fire from the gods. How could a mere woman be a form of punishment? The gods blessed her with a box and told her to never open it. When she was created, an insatiable amount of curiosity was instilled in her. Her curiosity won out one day and she opened the box. She unleashed all the evils in the world. In a panic she closed the box, but left one item remaining inside. This object was hope.

Many days of late I feel the weight of the world on me and it seems every day there is a new roadblock preventing me from getting out of the rut I am in. Once a day I am tempted to throw my hands in the air and say, "I quit. I can't do this anymore." Then I remember that I am a cape wearing super mom and quitting is not an option. Every day I find a way to reopen my Pandora's box and see the hope that still resides inside. How easy it would be to quit and to say the hell with it all, but I then remember that I am not a quitter. I am a cape wearing special needs super mom. I did not survive years of mental and physical abuse to just roll over and die when things get hard. I am a fighter. I will continue to fight for me and mine until the last breath leaves my body.

The Greatest Blessing in my Life

About 18 years and 9 months ago my world was in shambles. I had become everything I swore I would never be. I was barely 18 and had a failed marriage. I was lost and only wanted an escape from this world. I wanted to die. At the moment I was ready to give up and end it all, I found out that I was pregnant. I knew at that moment to take my own life would be to kill my unborn child also. I knew that I could not be that selfish. Decisions on what to do was my next step. I knew that I would be raising my child alone without any paternal help. I saw myself as a weak person with no backbone. How could I raise a child when I could not even stand up for myself? I knew abortion wasn't an option. For nine months I tossed around the idea of giving my child up for adoption and I continued to ponder that idea until the moment I gave birth. The moment I held him for the first time, I knew that I loved him more than life itself. On this day 18 years ago I gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby boy. I named him Trenton Chance. The name Chance was to symbolize the opportunity he gave me by being his mother. He became my salvation. I would not trade him for anything else in this world. I know with him I made mistakes on a grand scale and have done things that he may never forgive me for. Most of what I have done was for his benefit. Everyday I miss not being a part of his daily life, but he is in my mind and heart wherever I am and whatever I do. I love you more than breath, my son.

To Be a Conquering Champion

From the moment of each of my children's conceptions I loved them more than life itself. I love each of my children differently and equally. My youngest son needed not only a mom but also a champion. He is mentally challenged and nonverbal. You might ask, "if he can't talk how are his needs met?" It's really simple. I am his voice. He has been mine for 9 years and I know him as no one else can.

Our battles are truly beginning. The school has been fighting against what's best for him for their best interest and not his. Rather than comply with instructions from his only caregiver they seek to bring others in that care nothing for him and where he will end up. Well we are finished with what they think is best. I am the mom and I wear the pants in this relationship. Either they join our side, which is his side, or get out of our way. He will get the education he deserves and is in his constitutional rights. The passive mom is gone. Now they get the warrior mom who will take no prisoners.

Intellectual Disability (Mental Retardation)

Intellectual disability (ID), once called mental retardation, is characterized by below-average intelligence or mental ability and a lack of skills necessary for day-to-day living. People with intellectual disabilities can and do learn new skills, but they learn them more slowly. There are varying degrees of intellectual disability, from mild to profound.

What is intellectual disability?

Someone with intellectual disability has limitations in two areas. These areas are:

• Intellectual functioning. Also known as IQ, this refers to a person’s ability to learn, reason, make decisions, and solve problems.
• Adaptive behaviors. These are skills necessary for day-to-day life, such as being able to communicate effectively, interact with others, and take care of oneself.

IQ (intelligence quotient) is measured by an IQ test. The average IQ is 100. A person is considered intellectually disabled if he or she has an IQ of less than 70 to 75.

To measure a child’s adaptive behaviors, a specialist will observe the child’s skills and compare them to other children of the same age. Things that may be observed include how well the child can feed or dress himself or herself; how well the child is able to communicate with and understand others; and how the child interacts with family, friends, and other children of the same age.

Intellectual disability is thought to affect about 1% of the population. Of those affected, 85% have mild intellectual disability. This means they are just a little slower than average to learn new information or skills. With the right support, most will be able to live independently as adults.

What are the signs of intellectual disability in children?

There are many different signs of intellectual disability in children. Signs may appear during infancy, or they may not be noticeable until a child reaches school age. It often depends on the severity of the disability. Some of the most common signs of intellectual disability are:

• Rolling over, sitting up, crawling, or walking late
• Talking late or having trouble with talking
• Slow to master things like potty training, dressing, and feeding himself or herself
• Difficulty remembering things
• Inability to connect actions with consequences
• Behavior problems such as explosive tantrums
• Difficulty with problem-solving or logical thinking

In children with severe or profound intellectual disability, there may be other health problems as well. These problems may include seizures, mental disorders, motor handicaps, vision problems, or hearing problems.

What causes intellectual disability?

Anytime something interferes with normal brain development, intellectual disability can result. However, a specific cause for intellectual disability can only be pinpointed about a third of the time.

The most common causes of intellectual disability are:

• Genetic conditions. These include things like Down syndrome and fragile X syndrome.
• Problems during pregnancy.Things that can interfere with fetal brain development include alcohol or drug use, malnutrition, certain infections, or preeclampsia.
• Problems during childbirth.Intellectual disability may result if a baby is deprived of oxygen during childbirth or born extremely premature.
• Illness or injury. Infections like meningitis, whooping cough, or themeasles can lead to intellectual disability. Severe head injury, near-drowning, extreme malnutrition, exposure to toxic substances such as lead, and severe neglect or abuse can also cause it.

Can intellectual disability be prevented?

Certain causes of intellectual disability are preventable. The most common of these is fetal alcohol syndrome. Pregnant women shouldn’t drink alcohol. Getting proper prenatal care, taking a prenatal vitamin, and getting vaccinated against certain infectious diseases can also lower the risk that your child will be born with intellectual disabilities.

In families with a history of genetic disorders, genetic testing may be recommended before conception.

Certain tests, such as ultrasound and amniocentesis, can also be performed during pregnancy to look for problems associated with intellectual disability. Although these tests may identify problems before birth, they cannot correct them.

How is intellectual disability diagnosed?

Intellectual disability may be suspected for many different reasons. If a baby has physical abnormalities that suggest a genetic or metabolic disorder, a variety of tests may be done to confirm the diagnosis. These include blood tests, urine tests, imaging tests to look for structural problems in the brain, or electroencephalogram (EEG) to look for evidence of seizures.

In children with developmental delays, the doctor will perform tests to rule out other problems, including hearing problems and certain neurological disorders. If no other cause can be found for the delays, the child will be referred for formal testing.

Three things factor into the diagnosis of intellectual disability: interviews with the parents, observation of the child, and testing of intelligence and adaptive behaviors. A child is considered intellectually disabled if he or she has deficits in both IQ and adaptive behaviors. If only one or the other is present, the child is not considered intellectually disabled.

After a diagnosis of intellectual disability is made, a team of professionals will assess the child’s particular strengths and weaknesses. This helps them determine how much and what kind of support the child will need to succeed at home, in school, and in the community.

What services are available for people with intellectual disability?

For babies and toddlers, early intervention programs are available. A team of professionals works with parents to write an Individualized Family Service Plan, or IFSP. This document outlines the child’s specific needs and what services will help the child thrive. Early intervention may include speech therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, family counseling, training with special assistive devices, or nutritionservices.

School-aged children with intellectual disabilities (including preschoolers) are eligible for special education for free through the public school system. This is mandated by the Individuals With Disabilities Education Act (IDEA). Parents and educators work together to create an Individualized Education Program, or IEP, which outlines the child’s needs and the services the child will receive at school. The point of special education is to make adaptations, accommodations, and modifications that allow a child with an intellectual disability to succeed in the classroom.

What can I do to help my intellectually disabled child?

Steps to help your intellectually disabled child include:

• Learn everything you can about intellectual disabilities. The more you know, the better advocate you can be for your child.
• Encourage your child’s independence. Let your child try new things and encourage your child to do things by himself or herself. Provide guidance when it’s needed and give positive feedback when your child does something well or masters something new.
• Get your child involved in group activities. Taking an art class or participating in Scouts will help your child build social skills.
• Stay involved. By keeping in touch with your child’s teachers, you’ll be able to follow his or her progress and reinforce what your child is learning at school through practice at home.
• Get to know other parents of intellectually disabled children. They can be a great source of advice and emotional support.

www.webmd.com

Should I Have Killed my Child?

When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, I was advised to have an abortion. Not for a minute did I consider that an option. For me abortion equals murder. I loved that boy from the moment he was conceived. From the moment he drew his first breath he became my world. At 15 months I realized he was not perfect in the standards of the world. Over the next few years he was diagnosed with a mental disability. I questioned how could I have a slow child when I myself am a brilliant person. It is not fair. Recently I received the news that mentally he would never be his age and that no matter how old he was he would always be my little boy. Many parents state that they wish their child would never grow up and leave their home, but theirs has that option. I want my boy to grow up, move out, and have a family of his own. This was a shattered dream of mine. As reality has set in I realize that he will be ridiculed and bullied because he is just that different. Though he will never truly grasp that these people are making fun of him, I will see it and hurt for him. I have wondered if ending his life in the beginning would have been the better choice for him. He would know no hurt or scorn. He would not have to fight for the things other kids take for granted. I have realized his place in this world is to teach other people. He has the capacity to educate people on how to be compassionate and understanding. Through him the world can be further educated on the term "mentally retarded" and no allow that word to have a stigma for ridicule.

Beyond our control

Our stars aren't always fixed. The constellations of our futures are ever changing. Sometimes we may feel overwhelmed by things we can't control. That's when it's ok to relinquish some control and ask for help. 

There's not one among us that hasn't lost a friend, a relative, someone we held near and dear to our hearts. There's not one among that hasn't needed help at some point. Financial, emotional, psychological...the list goes on. To try to take on the weight of these things by one's self may lead to despair. 

The loss of one so young is hard. They've not had a chance to fulfill their potential but their memory has a purpose as much as their would. 

Wants vs Needs

(author unknown)

We often confuse these two things: I WANT and I NEED. Although they may seem to be the same at first glance, there is a huge difference in the two. We want a lot of things in life; money, new cars, a beautiful home, success, and hot fudge sundaes, just to name a few. But how many of them do we really need? Very often the things we want are not always things that are the best for us and are usually self-indulgent wishes that change as fast as the top ten hits on VH1. “Needs” are a different situation. They are the fundamentals we require to remain mentally and physically healthy and allow us to grow spiritually and emotionally. I may really want a hot fudge sundae but survive quite well without it. But, I cannot thrive without my basic needs being met.

We’ve had many encounters with unhappy submissives who bemoan the fact their Dominant does not give them what they need. As we listen to the list of complaints, we sometimes find a lot of “wants” mixed in with a few valid “needs” in the charges against their Dominant. Sorting them out isn’t always easy for either the submissive or Dominant in a relationship. Each person is unique and comes with their own special requirements. Without a doubt, this is one area that requires communication skills and time before either party can confidently determine what they want or need from the other. The Submissive Owner’s Manual may help you to understand some of the complexities of the Dominant/submissive relationship.

Submissive Owner’s Manual

I need to feel safe

• Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You, I need to feel safe and have reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control of my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after I’ve given myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You. I may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no matter how You stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I will remain safe in Your care.

I need to know You accept me for all I am

• I will be many things to You as our relationship grows and I need to know You accept me as a person during each transition along the way. I need to know You accept me as a friend, lover, companion, and Your submissive but also accept me as parent, child, employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society.

I need to have clearly defined limits

• I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.

I need You to be consistent

• I need to know You mean what You say and that today’s rules will apply to tomorrow’s behavior. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You’ve given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You’ve chosen for me. It’s not done to try Your patience, but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it’s not done consciously and I promise I’ll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.

I need to expand my limits

• I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own, I’ll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I’ve been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I’m unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.

I need You to teach me

• I need to learn, and it is You who are my teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that I can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.

I need goals

• Part of my make-up as a submissive makes me very goal-oriented. I need them to measure my progress and need You to provide them for me. Take time to explain those goals in ways I can comprehend Your plans concerning my growth as Your submissive. Without Your direction, I quickly become lost so I’ll look to You frequently to provide a purpose and aim as I continue in my development as a submissive.

I need to be corrected

• I need You to correct me when I make mistakes. Without Your correction, I will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as individuals. Without Your correction, I may never know I’ve made a mistake. Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the end. I admire firmness in Your correction and feel secure in knowing that You will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals You’ve set for me.

I need You to be my role-model

• I look up to You and try to follow in Your footsteps. If You fail to live up to a standard, I will follow You into failure, often without You noticing until it is too late. I learn quickly by the examples You provide for me and often base my reactions and behaviors on my observations of You in similar situations. I will blindly pattern myself in Your image, so be aware that my eyes will always be on You as You face Your own challenges and daily activities.

I need Your approval and reassurance

• I need to know when You approve of me or what I’ve done and to know I belong to You even if I fall short of my goals. I sometimes confuse approval with disapproval when You do not provide positive reinforcement when You are pleased by my actions. I will constantly be seeking Your approval when I’m unsure of myself and may need to rely deeply on Your support and reassurance when I’m confused about a situation or apprehensive about a new challenge.

I need to be able to express myself

• I have a need to express both good and bad things to You but it may be difficult for me to put the negative things into words. I fear Your rejection and hate disappointing You, so I may need a little space and time to voice all the things I need to say. You can help me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren’t something You find pleasure in hearing. There may be times when I’m upset or angry with You but without freedom to express those feelings, there can be only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours.

I need to learn from my mistakes

• I need to experience things that may be painful in order to learn successfully. I know Your protective nature will struggle with allowing me to be hurt but I need to learn the consequences of what I’ve done and to experience the feelings that go along with making mistakes. I will need Your comfort once I’ve faced my failure, but will sometimes feel unworthy of asking or unable to voice my disappointment in failing. Allow me to sort out my feelings before wiping away my tears.

I need forgiveness when I fail You

• Nothing hurts me more than to know I’ve failed or displeased You, and I need to be forgiven once I’ve made amends. It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrong-doing and I may need Your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse I am carrying. I may even need to be punished, if my wrong-doing was traumatic enough, in order to feel closure and accept forgiveness. I depend on You to make that determination for me and need Your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to You.

I need to feel I contribute

• I have a deep-set need to give and must have outlets for this need. My basic nature is to give of myself and You will be the primary recipient of my gifts. Allow me to contribute to our relationship and our life together. To do less will leave me unfulfilled and unneeded, a fate worse than death for me. Provide me with ways to contribute things to others, also. I may need to give of myself to those I hold dear but You will always receive the best I have to offer.

I need to enjoy successes

• Without experiencing and enjoying my successes, I may give up my fight to be all You desire for me. Allow me the pleasure of savoring the taste of victory when I overcome an obstacle or if You find pride in my attempts. All of my successes belong to You and I need to share their rewards with You. I don’t expect You to spoil me with grand displays for little victories, but when I’ve reached beyond the limits of my past attempts, please don’t deny me the sweet feelings of knowing I've achieved a goal You've set.

I need to share with You

• Sharing with You is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature. This includes the emotional and spiritual aspects of my being as well as the physical body I inhabit. It may be difficult for me to give You access to the deeper levels of my emotions and feelings, but those are the things I need to share the most. I’ll depend on You to direct me in ways I can achieve total openness with You. I also need to share in the things You are. Trust me enough to share in Your fears, failures and struggles. I’ll never see You as weak or incapable because You have shown confidence in me by giving part of Yourself in trust.

I need to feel loved, respected, and protected in Your ownership

• No matter how well I’ve done or how miserably I’ve failed, I need to know I’m still loved and protected by You. Nothing will prevent me from trying new things like fear of losing Your respect and love. By the reverse, nothing will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all I am capable of being more than knowing You will be there to protect me from harm and will love me even if I fall short of the target. I need to be loved and to love You in return. I can’t survive without it.

With a Heavy Heart

Tonight my heart is filled with emotion. My friend found out 20 weeks ago that he was going to be a dad for the first time. He was absolutely thrilled at this new life prospect. His joy turned into grief this week. The baby girl decided to come into this world 20 weeks too early. She never had a chance at life. Through his loss I am able to see the blessings set before me. I have three healthy and full of life children. None of my children are perfect but they are alive and well. No matter what challenges lay before me there is a comfort in that. They give me that reason to get up tomorrow and a reason to fight for what they need and want. There is nothing more important in my life than my little family. As you tuck your children into bed tonight, remember to be thankful for the gift bestowed upon you and never take it for granted.

Reflections

Tonight I sit here and reflect upon the day. I realize that most people are generally thoughtless and only care for themselves. They put their needs and wants above others. When as a society did we become so thoughtless that are needs are more important than others? Isn't our purpose on this earth to help others and not make life harder than it has to be?

Hopelessness

Today my heart is heavy. I am at a loss on how to help my child. He is out of control for the school and I don't know how to fix it. I am thinking of throwing up my hands and screaming, "what's next?"

The Devastating Reality in Our Life

Monday, February 9th, 2015, started out like any other day for me. I had found my calm about Kaden and his disability. I had adjusted to the nearly daily calls from the school because his behaviors had escalated at school and they could not keep his violent tendencies muted. I had went to work that morning like every other Monday. We finished the job a little early and I was heading home. I received a phone call and the guy had introduced himself as a crisis counselor. I heard the words "Kaden" "cops" "mental facility" and the rest of the conversation seemed to be drowned out. I screamed at this man over the phone, "Do you people not realize that he has the mind of a three year old?" It was at this point that I realized my hands were tied on what I could do for him legally. I arrived home and called the hospital. I was told that they were currently processing him and that they had to hold him for 24 hours because he had become a threat to himself and others. When he saw the doctor the next day, the doctor could enforce a 72 hour hold and I could not see my child until Wednesday. I was encouraged to bring him certain items to make him more comfortable. I was made at ease to know that he was calm and didn't appear scared. For the next hour I had to reign in the rage I was feeling towards the school. How dare they not call me! I know my son and I could get him to calm down! I am his mother! I drove to the school in the rain shaking and fearful of what they might say when I got there. Once at the school I spoke with the ESE lead and the principal. They told me that he was agitated from the time he stepped off of the bus and until the crisis counselor took him away. Around 11 am Kaden threw a chair at another student. The teacher had the aide remove all of the other children. He broke apart an easel and had a metal pipe in his hand by doing so. Before his fit of rage was done five people were called into the room to diffuse the situation. I had informed the school that the more people that are around him when he turns violent the more violent he will be. People seem to fuel his rage. It took them an hour and a half to get him calmed down and not once did I receive a phone call to let me know that he was having a crisis.All evening all I could think about was how upset and scared he must be. He would feel like I had abandoned him. I cried until I realized I had no tears left inside of me.  He was released from the hospital on Tuesday. I had never been so excited to see my little boy. I asked him if he had been scared and he told me no. I have come to the realization that this will probably not be the only time he sees a hospital for these reasons, but I will be damned if I don't fight for him and to keep him out of such places.

A New Day Dawns and a New Journey Begins

On Wednesday, January 21st, 2015, my hope for my son, Kaden was shattered. I was under the impression that he was autistic. With the autism diagnosis there was hope that he could outgrow some of the issues he has. On this Wednesday I was told that he was intellectually disabled, which means he is mentally retarded. All my hopes and dreams for him came crashing down. He will never grow up. He will never drive a car. He will never get married. He will never have children of his own. I questioned for weeks the mean of his existence. His existence is a means for many to point and laugh at his struggles and failures. I raged about the unfairness of it all. I didn't sign up for this. This was not the life I had planned for him or for me. I screamed that he deserved the life of any typical child. What did I do for us to deserve this? The answer was, "Nothing." We drew the short straw in the genetic lottery. I was preparing to train my younger daughter for the day where she would assume the responsibility of taking over his care when my time ends. The specialist told me that I was putting limits on her life also. She deserves the life she wants and can have. In short she can have the life that was denied for him. I was told that I needed to live a life outside of Kaden. I needed to learn to live and not exist to maintain his needs.

One day I had taken my kids to the park. There were other kids there playing. Kaden was in a mood and wanted to scream about everything. A dad scolded his son for being mean to mine. I told that dad his kid did nothing to mine, but this is just how Kaden is. The dad took his son aside and explained that Kaden was different than most children. After the talk the boy tried more to make sure Kaden was enjoying the park experience. This boy taught me something that day: Kaden's possible purpose. If through Kaden others can learn understanding and compassion, it might just be the purpose for Kaden's existence. At that moment I found some peace in the news that my son is different.

Our journey has just begun and we will embrace each new experience with courage and determination.

I Am......

I Am...... bold
I Am...... brave
I Am...... fearless
I Am...... courageous
I Am...... inventive
I Am...... daring
I Am...... limitless
I Am...... wise
I Am...... tenacious
I Am...... spirited
I Am...... undismayed
I Am...... undaunted
I Am...... beautiful
I Am...... desirable
I Am...... pleasant
I Am...... admirable
I Am...... a cape wearing special needs mom.