Saturday, April 15, 2017

Reflections of a Shield Maiden

Andre Gide said “It is better to hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” Today has been an unintentional reflection upon than quote. Years ago when I was experiencing a dark time, I met with a therapist. After several weeks of seeing her she told me that I knew what my issues were, but I lacked the knowledge to fix myself. That was the last time I saw her. Why would I continue seeing someone who only wanted to discuss the childhood abuse that I have has buried for decades, when that wasn’t the biggest issue I was facing. The biggest issues I face these days are self-abuse and the ability to make the same poor decisions over and over again. I can finally see the pattern. A lot of the current issues began in childhood. I have spent 39 years seeking the love of another, because of the parental abandonment. This search has led me to men who swear they care, but they are emotionally unavailable to me. Maybe it is just me that they are unavailable to, because I honestly do not know how to have a relationship. Never in my life have I ever saw a healthy relationship. I know I am demanding in attention and that pushes people away. I swear the next person that tells me that I need to love myself I’m going to punch them in the face. It’s not about self-love to demand to be respected. I know my worth and I’ll be damned if I settle for a man who would disrespect me and will pay games with my head and heart. One day they will see what they threw away, because some other bitch played them for a fool. My days of settling for less than I deserve are over. I am woman, I am a shield maiden, and I am fierce.