Sunday, March 8, 2015

This Driving Need

I have spent my life seeking the one thing that has always felt missing. As a child I knew that something wasn't there. I could always feel it and in my play it was not there. I began to feel this need of being someone’s main focus. When I was young I knew what was missing and never realized the impact that would have on my life. The older I became the more my need for attention grew. I would find myself in scrapes needing someone to rescue me because of my foolishness. I have always wanted to be the center of someone’s attention and it’s still there with me. The part that was missing for me was the unconditional love of one that should have given it freely. It was never mine to have. I have nearly begged and pleaded for this missing part, but I was always refused. There is a selfishness that resides there and it appears that I have inherited it. There has always been this incomplete feeling in my life that never seems to go away. As I struggle with this feeling I push others away that would love me because I still seek that something more. How does one come to terms with the constant feeling of being unloved and unwanted? As an adult this need drives me to be the center of one’s universe and it appears that will never happen. I feel second best in all things and unworthy to be loved. I feel rejected daily and it is slowly destroying me and those around me. Days when I feel like this, I wish I would sleep and never wake up. The force that keeps me getting out of bed is the knowledge that I can overcome whatever comes my way. The only question now is: how do I bury the past before it buries me?