Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Desperation

I am humble for you have brought me to my knees. With you I've lost everything including you. I lay awake at night thinking of the days gone by, both the good times and also the bad times. I am still stunned into amazement over who you truly turned out to be. You were the best friend I confided in, who turned my secrets into a form of blackmail and my past to knock me down emotionally. You used my children as pawns to make me conform to your wishes. Were you always this man or was it something in me that created the monster you became? Monster is a harsh word though it is fitting. You were equilivent to Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. One minute you're the sweetest man in the world, but the very next moment you would rip me to shreds with your words. In the world you created for us I never knew what to expect or how to feel. In my heart I know I loved you and probably still do, but it is pointless. There is no future for you and I. Too much has happened to make it so. Because of you i know where rock bottom is and it's a purgatory in itself. When I walked away from our home, I knew it was the end of us for good, because I'm sorry doesn't take back all that was taken and all that was lost. I felt that in leaving that I had already grieved the loss of us, but I deceived myself. The family we had created was officially destroyed and the memories plague me even in my sleep. No amount of tears nor rage seem to drown out the memories. I miss the hugs that came just because we wanted to. I miss your head in my lap as I rubbed your head as you went to sleep almost nightly. I miss the man who would let me cry when the world got too much for me. I miss knowing that my tears had some effect on you.  I miss the laughter for the simple silly things that happened in our life. I miss the feeling of knowing that no matter what happened i wouldn't be facing it alone. Mostly I miss my friend, the man I thought you to be. I know if I could find the rage again it would drown out the hurt, but I've discovered the rage is gone and replaced with the sorrow that things can never go back to the before. For the life of me I don't know how to get passed this and move on. I wish I had a crystal ball that would show me that all would be alright, but alas I don't have one. A friend suggested I write again to get things out of my head while I fight to be able to express myself with others and to help me learn how to rejoin the world. I suppose I can write until I feel no more.