Motivated

Over the past month I have undergone some dramatic changes, some good, some bad. I always felt that I needed a man to make me feel validated. The lesson I learned from the latest ex was: I don't need a man to complete me, especially if he can't form empathy for my circumstances. As for me deciding to quit my job with none to fall back on: I did it for my children and my health. I have a child failing in school and i couldn't tell the teacher if there was any studying being done or not. I went to the hospital a few months back with stroke like symptoms. The doctor told me that I needed to learn to manage my stress better or it could be a stroke next time. Every day I nearly panicked on who could watch my children while i worked. The final straw was having a full blown panic attack in the front yard. I knew then that I couldn't go back, because the employer wouldn't give me the schedule I required. As for the next stage of my life: I don't know where we are going but I know here is not where we belong. The fates have been screaming that at me since we got here and i was too blind to see it. For now we are living day to day until I figure out the next move. Because I am uncertain of my future I'm not getting involved with any man on any level. This is now the time of me and mine. I want us to be better and strive for better. There will be no more complaining about the extra weight around the middle (Hell I'm nearly 40 and look good for my age). Now is the time to fix it for myself. Since my youngest children were born I've not pursued knowledge as I did before. Knowledge is the ultimate power and I plan to be able to rule the world even if it's a stroke of a key at times. I've slacked growing spiritually and that will change. I plan to embrace my Heathen path and know all there is to know about it. I am Heathen and I am proud of it. I'm sorry that there will be some that will judge me for it and I will lose them over it. If they were true then there would be no sacrifice. In closing I will say this: I'M MAKING THIS WORLD MY BITCH, EITHER STAND BESIDE ME OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.

The Greatest Blessing in my Life

About 18 years and 9 months ago my world was in shambles. I had become everything I swore I would never be. I was barely 18 and had a failed marriage. I was lost and only wanted an escape from this world. I wanted to die. At the moment I was ready to give up and end it all, I found out that I was pregnant. I knew at that moment to take my own life would be to kill my unborn child also. I knew that I could not be that selfish. Decisions on what to do was my next step. I knew that I would be raising my child alone without any paternal help. I saw myself as a weak person with no backbone. How could I raise a child when I could not even stand up for myself? I knew abortion wasn't an option. For nine months I tossed around the idea of giving my child up for adoption and I continued to ponder that idea until the moment I gave birth. The moment I held him for the first time, I knew that I loved him more than life itself. On this day 18 years ago I gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby boy. I named him Trenton Chance. The name Chance was to symbolize the opportunity he gave me by being his mother. He became my salvation. I would not trade him for anything else in this world. I know with him I made mistakes on a grand scale and have done things that he may never forgive me for. Most of what I have done was for his benefit. Everyday I miss not being a part of his daily life, but he is in my mind and heart wherever I am and whatever I do. I love you more than breath, my son.

Should I Have Killed my Child?

When I found out I was pregnant with my second child, I was advised to have an abortion. Not for a minute did I consider that an option. For me abortion equals murder. I loved that boy from the moment he was conceived. From the moment he drew his first breath he became my world. At 15 months I realized he was not perfect in the standards of the world. Over the next few years he was diagnosed with a mental disability. I questioned how could I have a slow child when I myself am a brilliant person. It is not fair. Recently I received the news that mentally he would never be his age and that no matter how old he was he would always be my little boy. Many parents state that they wish their child would never grow up and leave their home, but theirs has that option. I want my boy to grow up, move out, and have a family of his own. This was a shattered dream of mine. As reality has set in I realize that he will be ridiculed and bullied because he is just that different. Though he will never truly grasp that these people are making fun of him, I will see it and hurt for him. I have wondered if ending his life in the beginning would have been the better choice for him. He would know no hurt or scorn. He would not have to fight for the things other kids take for granted. I have realized his place in this world is to teach other people. He has the capacity to educate people on how to be compassionate and understanding. Through him the world can be further educated on the term "mentally retarded" and no allow that word to have a stigma for ridicule.