The Powers That Be

I would like to think that I am a reasonable and open-minded woman, but there are times to take the gloves off and let it all hang out. Today I am going to blast a person who wronged me in one of the worst ways possible: he used me and lied to me.

For the sake of being bluntly honest we will call him Jason, because that is his name. Why should I not be honest because I have nothing to be ashamed of and I am doing nothing wrong?

We originally met when I was in 8th grade and he was in 9th. I always saw him as this beautiful bad boy with anger issues. As part of a Christian school and one that never quite fit in, I loved the bad boys (I probably still do). Not ever did we talk, but the crush was still there. Then one day he disappeared and I didn't know where he went from there.

Over the years I completely forgot he even existed, and 27 years passed in a rush. Many things had changed for me. I no longer was a part of the christian faith and have openly embraced a pagan lifestyle. I never forgot my roots and they help keep me grounded in this life when questions of morality is involved.

One day I was in my hometown of Fernandina Beach, Florida. As I am standing in line at a gas station I see this handsome man and thought he was appeasing to the eyes. I am a single red-blooded woman that can appreciate the sexiness of a man. Outside in the parking lot we started talking and I realized he was the bad boy from school. That night we talked way into the morning. He was telling me things like, "I could fall for you," and "You're great." I was sucked in and believed his words.

The next day the illusions were brought to light. He told me that I couldn't meet him at his house because his roommates wouldn't understand. At that red flag I should have ran, but deep inside I want to believe in the good of everyone. Instead I listened to my foolish heart rather than my head and was punished for my stupidity. Now I believe that the divorce is not a fact and he may still be married.

Because I believe in words rather than actions, I allowed myself to be swept in. When I say I was swept in, I mean when he rented a motel room for the night I went along. I didn't factor in the number of times he asked me if I told anyone that we knew mutually about he and I. Though I did lie when I told him no, I did tell one person for back during that time, because I knew she wouldn't say anything.

Another red flag was during the time we were making out, he kept asking if I had any STDs. I was aware of how insulting that question was after the 5th time he asked. I told him if he asked one more time I was going to go home. He asked if I'd leave him stranded at the motel without a ride home. I told him if he asked again I would.

Things escalated after that. Things got hotter and heavier. While we were in the middle of all that he tell me that this in no way means that we are committed and that it was probably a one time thing. At this point I should have punched him in the nose and left him stranded there, but I think I was in a daze of utter denial. Like a fool I stayed until the next morning and went home with my tail between my legs like a beaten dog.

For days I was angry and plotted revenge. I am not above hexing the lying bitch, but my friends worry about my karma. So I am writing this to allow my rage to escape and for him to know I will not remain silent about what happened between us. I am not ashamed of my actions, but I am ashamed of his. He is old enough to not be pulling high school bullshit and lying to get a bitch into his rented bed. If he would have known me better he would have known honesty would have gotten him the same result but I would have been discreet in my association with him. Now I am a woman scorned and plan to let it all hang out.

Motivated

Over the past month I have undergone some dramatic changes, some good, some bad. I always felt that I needed a man to make me feel validated. The lesson I learned from the latest ex was: I don't need a man to complete me, especially if he can't form empathy for my circumstances. As for me deciding to quit my job with none to fall back on: I did it for my children and my health. I have a child failing in school and i couldn't tell the teacher if there was any studying being done or not. I went to the hospital a few months back with stroke like symptoms. The doctor told me that I needed to learn to manage my stress better or it could be a stroke next time. Every day I nearly panicked on who could watch my children while i worked. The final straw was having a full blown panic attack in the front yard. I knew then that I couldn't go back, because the employer wouldn't give me the schedule I required. As for the next stage of my life: I don't know where we are going but I know here is not where we belong. The fates have been screaming that at me since we got here and i was too blind to see it. For now we are living day to day until I figure out the next move. Because I am uncertain of my future I'm not getting involved with any man on any level. This is now the time of me and mine. I want us to be better and strive for better. There will be no more complaining about the extra weight around the middle (Hell I'm nearly 40 and look good for my age). Now is the time to fix it for myself. Since my youngest children were born I've not pursued knowledge as I did before. Knowledge is the ultimate power and I plan to be able to rule the world even if it's a stroke of a key at times. I've slacked growing spiritually and that will change. I plan to embrace my Heathen path and know all there is to know about it. I am Heathen and I am proud of it. I'm sorry that there will be some that will judge me for it and I will lose them over it. If they were true then there would be no sacrifice. In closing I will say this: I'M MAKING THIS WORLD MY BITCH, EITHER STAND BESIDE ME OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.

When Is Enough Enough?

In the beginning he told me that he loved me every chance he got. It would fill my heart until I feared it would burst. Near the end of the relationship he'd tell me that he hated me and worked that he had never met me. These declarations would have "I love you" minutes after he'd tell me I needed to go, that he was done with me. I stayed much longer than I should have. Enough was enough when he made threats against my offsprings. I packed up everything that was mine. I thought that would be the end of our story, but our story had an afterword. He would contact me with words of love and devotion. Every attempt I made to thwart him was blocked by a new sternly of his to contact me. When will he learn that he killed any love I could have for him? At what point will he comprehend that enough is enough and allow me to rebuild my life?

38 Special

Today is my birthday. It didn't start out as I envisioned it would. No sweet kisses. No coffee in bed. I made a choice that eliminated this possibility for me. I chose my children and I over a life of mental abuse and utter chaos. I chose to go back to a simple life with just my kids and I. I have no regrets other than I didn't do it sooner. Today will be a new starting point of my life. I will take back my power which was taken from me. I will live my life to the best of my ability. I will become like the phoenix and rise from the ashes and rebuild from the floor up.