Motivated

Over the past month I have undergone some dramatic changes, some good, some bad. I always felt that I needed a man to make me feel validated. The lesson I learned from the latest ex was: I don't need a man to complete me, especially if he can't form empathy for my circumstances. As for me deciding to quit my job with none to fall back on: I did it for my children and my health. I have a child failing in school and i couldn't tell the teacher if there was any studying being done or not. I went to the hospital a few months back with stroke like symptoms. The doctor told me that I needed to learn to manage my stress better or it could be a stroke next time. Every day I nearly panicked on who could watch my children while i worked. The final straw was having a full blown panic attack in the front yard. I knew then that I couldn't go back, because the employer wouldn't give me the schedule I required. As for the next stage of my life: I don't know where we are going but I know here is not where we belong. The fates have been screaming that at me since we got here and i was too blind to see it. For now we are living day to day until I figure out the next move. Because I am uncertain of my future I'm not getting involved with any man on any level. This is now the time of me and mine. I want us to be better and strive for better. There will be no more complaining about the extra weight around the middle (Hell I'm nearly 40 and look good for my age). Now is the time to fix it for myself. Since my youngest children were born I've not pursued knowledge as I did before. Knowledge is the ultimate power and I plan to be able to rule the world even if it's a stroke of a key at times. I've slacked growing spiritually and that will change. I plan to embrace my Heathen path and know all there is to know about it. I am Heathen and I am proud of it. I'm sorry that there will be some that will judge me for it and I will lose them over it. If they were true then there would be no sacrifice. In closing I will say this: I'M MAKING THIS WORLD MY BITCH, EITHER STAND BESIDE ME OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.

Somedays

Some days I feel like I have it all figured out. Other days I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. Being an adult doesn't come with any instructions. Everything is trial and error. I'm at this stage in life where I'm afraid that every decision I make is going to be the wrong one. It's not just my life I'm concerned with but the lives of my three children. Days like today I wish my grandfather were still alive so I could go to him and talk to him and ask him what's right choice. But that's not an option. Everything is on me. If I fall it isn't just mean that some feel the repercussions. My children will suffer also. Over the past couple weeks of pondered over a few Life Choices. today I made one choice official. I decided that my children didn't need the baggage that their father aka the donor had to offer them. He's the type a father that likes the title of father yet he does nothing to deserve the title. It has been over a decade since he seen his children. He makes no effort to see them now even after all the time that has passed. His daughter knows nothing of him other than his name. She has no memories of him and that may be a blessing for her sake. I will not put my children in the position to wear that he could hurt them either mentally or physically. I know deep down inside this was the right choice for them. I wish I could say out loud that it hurt me to sever ties with him. but it didn't. How can something hurt that means nothing to you?