The Powers That Be

I would like to think that I am a reasonable and open-minded woman, but there are times to take the gloves off and let it all hang out. Today I am going to blast a person who wronged me in one of the worst ways possible: he used me and lied to me.

For the sake of being bluntly honest we will call him Jason, because that is his name. Why should I not be honest because I have nothing to be ashamed of and I am doing nothing wrong?

We originally met when I was in 8th grade and he was in 9th. I always saw him as this beautiful bad boy with anger issues. As part of a Christian school and one that never quite fit in, I loved the bad boys (I probably still do). Not ever did we talk, but the crush was still there. Then one day he disappeared and I didn't know where he went from there.

Over the years I completely forgot he even existed, and 27 years passed in a rush. Many things had changed for me. I no longer was a part of the christian faith and have openly embraced a pagan lifestyle. I never forgot my roots and they help keep me grounded in this life when questions of morality is involved.

One day I was in my hometown of Fernandina Beach, Florida. As I am standing in line at a gas station I see this handsome man and thought he was appeasing to the eyes. I am a single red-blooded woman that can appreciate the sexiness of a man. Outside in the parking lot we started talking and I realized he was the bad boy from school. That night we talked way into the morning. He was telling me things like, "I could fall for you," and "You're great." I was sucked in and believed his words.

The next day the illusions were brought to light. He told me that I couldn't meet him at his house because his roommates wouldn't understand. At that red flag I should have ran, but deep inside I want to believe in the good of everyone. Instead I listened to my foolish heart rather than my head and was punished for my stupidity. Now I believe that the divorce is not a fact and he may still be married.

Because I believe in words rather than actions, I allowed myself to be swept in. When I say I was swept in, I mean when he rented a motel room for the night I went along. I didn't factor in the number of times he asked me if I told anyone that we knew mutually about he and I. Though I did lie when I told him no, I did tell one person for back during that time, because I knew she wouldn't say anything.

Another red flag was during the time we were making out, he kept asking if I had any STDs. I was aware of how insulting that question was after the 5th time he asked. I told him if he asked one more time I was going to go home. He asked if I'd leave him stranded at the motel without a ride home. I told him if he asked again I would.

Things escalated after that. Things got hotter and heavier. While we were in the middle of all that he tell me that this in no way means that we are committed and that it was probably a one time thing. At this point I should have punched him in the nose and left him stranded there, but I think I was in a daze of utter denial. Like a fool I stayed until the next morning and went home with my tail between my legs like a beaten dog.

For days I was angry and plotted revenge. I am not above hexing the lying bitch, but my friends worry about my karma. So I am writing this to allow my rage to escape and for him to know I will not remain silent about what happened between us. I am not ashamed of my actions, but I am ashamed of his. He is old enough to not be pulling high school bullshit and lying to get a bitch into his rented bed. If he would have known me better he would have known honesty would have gotten him the same result but I would have been discreet in my association with him. Now I am a woman scorned and plan to let it all hang out.

Motivated

Over the past month I have undergone some dramatic changes, some good, some bad. I always felt that I needed a man to make me feel validated. The lesson I learned from the latest ex was: I don't need a man to complete me, especially if he can't form empathy for my circumstances. As for me deciding to quit my job with none to fall back on: I did it for my children and my health. I have a child failing in school and i couldn't tell the teacher if there was any studying being done or not. I went to the hospital a few months back with stroke like symptoms. The doctor told me that I needed to learn to manage my stress better or it could be a stroke next time. Every day I nearly panicked on who could watch my children while i worked. The final straw was having a full blown panic attack in the front yard. I knew then that I couldn't go back, because the employer wouldn't give me the schedule I required. As for the next stage of my life: I don't know where we are going but I know here is not where we belong. The fates have been screaming that at me since we got here and i was too blind to see it. For now we are living day to day until I figure out the next move. Because I am uncertain of my future I'm not getting involved with any man on any level. This is now the time of me and mine. I want us to be better and strive for better. There will be no more complaining about the extra weight around the middle (Hell I'm nearly 40 and look good for my age). Now is the time to fix it for myself. Since my youngest children were born I've not pursued knowledge as I did before. Knowledge is the ultimate power and I plan to be able to rule the world even if it's a stroke of a key at times. I've slacked growing spiritually and that will change. I plan to embrace my Heathen path and know all there is to know about it. I am Heathen and I am proud of it. I'm sorry that there will be some that will judge me for it and I will lose them over it. If they were true then there would be no sacrifice. In closing I will say this: I'M MAKING THIS WORLD MY BITCH, EITHER STAND BESIDE ME OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.

From Within It Devours

I hear this voice. It screams at me, "You'll never succeed. You'll never be good enough." These words remain with me and I can do nothing to silence the echoes that remain. How do I drive them out? I think, “You are responsible for me being as I am. You created this monster that cares not if she lives or dies.” I cover my ears and I can still hear that cruel voice. I scream and the words are still there. As long as the voices remain I'm in a prison. I can't escape and am imprisoned in my own house. You see, there are no bars keeping me here, but escape is not an option. If I am let free, how would I survive? I only know abuse in my life. First it was by my abuser and then it continued in my own head. I begin to glimpse images of my childhood. I remember times the belt came down. I revisit moments where I didn’t feel that my torment would ever end and part of me prayed for death in that moment. What crime was so awful of me to bear such treatment? Visions of letting my blood flow freely torment me for I fear that is my only means of escape: death. I realize that I would not wish for another to find me in such a condition. I acknowledge the doctor prescribed me a medication to drown out this voice. What harm could come from taking the entire bottle. This can’t be an option for I risk my children finding me in such a condition and I have already failed them greatly. As I drive along I think, “I could end the suffering by swerving into oncoming traffic.” Also this can’t be a way out, because I would stand in judgment in the afterlife for taking out others in my quest to end my pain. Who would miss me if I were not here? I am nothing. I am no one. I am utterly alone in this world. The more I consider it the more I realize death may be the only escape for me. I am trapped in my past. The voices I hear are my own and from within it is devouring me. If you are told constantly that you will fail, you most certainly will. I desire the freedom to embrace the world with open arms. I realize in the end I don’t need a knight in shining armor to save me. I have it within myself. I did not survive 15 years as a victim to continue for more than 15 more. I am a fighter and I am a survivor. When I feel my strength faltering, I look into the eyes of my daughter and I realize something great. I am now aware that she is looking up to me guidance and as a role model. She does not need to see me on my knees begging for release. She deserves a mom that holds her arms in the air and screams, “Life, is that the best you can do? You hit like a little girl.”