Moving Past the Bullshit of It All

Some days it doesn't matter what you do, you just can't seem to please anyone. Tonight I think I had a mental breakthrough. If people can't be completely pleased by your presence or your actions, they don't belong in your life. You should be loved for merely being who you are and not necessarily what you can bring to the table. I will say this: I know what I bring to the table and I am not afraid to eat alone.

Father's Day 2018

As the Parental Figure:
For the past 10 years I've raised my two minor children by myself without the involvement of the one who sired them. In the grand scheme of things they are better off without the drama he would provide them. The greatest drawback is: they have no male role model. My son will never know how to be a man's man and my daughter will never know the role a man should hold in a woman's life. My role in their life is father and mother. There are times I wish things weren't so hard for them, but really what do I know about the role of the father.

Daddy Issues:
I lost the only man who held the role as father nearly 11 years ago. Not A day goes by that I don't miss him. He was my Papa. Through him I learned kindness and gentleness. Without his presence in my life I never would have survived the abandonment of my birth father. My birth father taught me: at the end of the day it doesn't force them to love you. Being of the same blood once accounted for something. Now blood will betray you faster than those you call friend.

To the fathers out there: Happy Father's Day

To the mothers out there assuming both roles: I know the road you walk is challenging, but at the end of it all it'll be worth it. I salute you.

To the deadbeat dads out there: today is not your day. The day reserved for you is April Fools Day. You are a fool in the greatest sense of the word, because you were given a precious gift and you threw it away.

From Within It Devours

I hear this voice. It screams at me, "You'll never succeed. You'll never be good enough." These words remain with me and I can do nothing to silence the echoes that remain. How do I drive them out? I think, “You are responsible for me being as I am. You created this monster that cares not if she lives or dies.” I cover my ears and I can still hear that cruel voice. I scream and the words are still there. As long as the voices remain I'm in a prison. I can't escape and am imprisoned in my own house. You see, there are no bars keeping me here, but escape is not an option. If I am let free, how would I survive? I only know abuse in my life. First it was by my abuser and then it continued in my own head. I begin to glimpse images of my childhood. I remember times the belt came down. I revisit moments where I didn’t feel that my torment would ever end and part of me prayed for death in that moment. What crime was so awful of me to bear such treatment? Visions of letting my blood flow freely torment me for I fear that is my only means of escape: death. I realize that I would not wish for another to find me in such a condition. I acknowledge the doctor prescribed me a medication to drown out this voice. What harm could come from taking the entire bottle. This can’t be an option for I risk my children finding me in such a condition and I have already failed them greatly. As I drive along I think, “I could end the suffering by swerving into oncoming traffic.” Also this can’t be a way out, because I would stand in judgment in the afterlife for taking out others in my quest to end my pain. Who would miss me if I were not here? I am nothing. I am no one. I am utterly alone in this world. The more I consider it the more I realize death may be the only escape for me. I am trapped in my past. The voices I hear are my own and from within it is devouring me. If you are told constantly that you will fail, you most certainly will. I desire the freedom to embrace the world with open arms. I realize in the end I don’t need a knight in shining armor to save me. I have it within myself. I did not survive 15 years as a victim to continue for more than 15 more. I am a fighter and I am a survivor. When I feel my strength faltering, I look into the eyes of my daughter and I realize something great. I am now aware that she is looking up to me guidance and as a role model. She does not need to see me on my knees begging for release. She deserves a mom that holds her arms in the air and screams, “Life, is that the best you can do? You hit like a little girl.”

Just Try

Enough

Recently I took a moment to sit and reflect a bit. I was plagued by four different questions. If my life ended today, did I love, give, believe, and dream enough for my life to have meant something to others. The answer kept coming back inconclusive. Throughout my life I have had one goal and I feel that I have failed miserably at it: to make a difference. Upon breaking down each aspect I realized that I can still make this difference.


Did I love enough?
William Blake wrote, "Love seeketh not itself to please, Nor for itself hath any care, But for another gives its ease, And builds a Heaven in Hell's despair." It is easy to say, "I love you," and anyone can say it, but it's another thing to show it. How can one show love? We show love with a simple touch or even a kiss. We show love by not putting ourselves before all others. "Immature love says: ' I love you, because I need you.' 'Mature love says: 'I need you because I love you,'" said by Erich Fromm.  We show love in the simplest of deeds. My wish is when I am gone someone can say to themselves, "She truly loved me."

Did I give enough?
In the words of Charles Dickens, "No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another." What does it mean to give? Giving is not necessarily giving of money and possessions, but of time and love. To give time is when you feel like you really don't have the time to spare but are willing to make it for another in need. Love is an emotion that is easily taken, but rarely given. When my time comes I hope that someone can say, "She gave even when she didn't have it to give."

Did I believe enough?
"A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral," believed by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. What is it to believe? We can believe in the supernatural, in others, in ourselves, and the chance of tomorrows. Many would say the supernatural is purely fiction, but what if it's not? What is the harm in believing in the things that go bump in the night? To believe in others tend to be a complicated issue. It seems that it is human nature to let others down to where we lack the faith to believe anyone else. We limit ourselves by using the past wrongs to hinder our faith in the people of the present. Sometimes it seems that we believe in ourselves the least of all. This is where our belief system should be the strongest. How do you believe in yourself? Simply by believing that you can accomplish anything that you try to do. The belief of tomorrows is what should inspire our todays. It should allow us to say, "I may be here today, but tomorrow I will be here at something bigger and better. At the end of my time I would like for someone to say, "Even when her faith in all things was shaky she still believed all things were possible."

Did I dream enough?
"Hope is a waking dream," philosophized by Aristotle. What are dreams and can we only do them while we are asleep? Dreams make life more worth living. Dreams inspire us to do more and to be more. Dreams can be as simple as we desire or as complex as our imagination can reach. If you're not happy with your current situation, you can always dream of better tomorrows. When my time has ended I want someone to be able to say, "When life was dark and uncertain she always dreamed of bigger and better things."

Many of the things I have wrote about today are things I will challenge myself to do more of. Can you say the same thing?