Motivated

Over the past month I have undergone some dramatic changes, some good, some bad. I always felt that I needed a man to make me feel validated. The lesson I learned from the latest ex was: I don't need a man to complete me, especially if he can't form empathy for my circumstances. As for me deciding to quit my job with none to fall back on: I did it for my children and my health. I have a child failing in school and i couldn't tell the teacher if there was any studying being done or not. I went to the hospital a few months back with stroke like symptoms. The doctor told me that I needed to learn to manage my stress better or it could be a stroke next time. Every day I nearly panicked on who could watch my children while i worked. The final straw was having a full blown panic attack in the front yard. I knew then that I couldn't go back, because the employer wouldn't give me the schedule I required. As for the next stage of my life: I don't know where we are going but I know here is not where we belong. The fates have been screaming that at me since we got here and i was too blind to see it. For now we are living day to day until I figure out the next move. Because I am uncertain of my future I'm not getting involved with any man on any level. This is now the time of me and mine. I want us to be better and strive for better. There will be no more complaining about the extra weight around the middle (Hell I'm nearly 40 and look good for my age). Now is the time to fix it for myself. Since my youngest children were born I've not pursued knowledge as I did before. Knowledge is the ultimate power and I plan to be able to rule the world even if it's a stroke of a key at times. I've slacked growing spiritually and that will change. I plan to embrace my Heathen path and know all there is to know about it. I am Heathen and I am proud of it. I'm sorry that there will be some that will judge me for it and I will lose them over it. If they were true then there would be no sacrifice. In closing I will say this: I'M MAKING THIS WORLD MY BITCH, EITHER STAND BESIDE ME OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY.

Inspiration

Where do you find your inspiration? Where do you find your drive? Lately for me I have been lacking in both regards. To get up has been a struggle. Today, I woke up and said to myself, "No more." I have no clue what lies ahead for us, but I do know that this is not the place for us to grow and thrive. I have no clue what direction lays before us, but I know that we will do it with dignity and honor, because I am a heathen and that's what we do. I have had to do a morality check lately and have come to the realization that if I have to sacrifice my dignity to maintain necessities. Nothing is worth losing your honor, because man seeks to take it from you. Doors have closed, that need to be closed. We are ready for the next chapter and the next adventure.

Destruction

He tried to break me with words of pure hated. He spew lies about me to whomever would listen. His attempts were in vain, for he failed miserably.

PTSD - My Own Personal Human Bondage

I may not have gone to war to have the traumatic effects of PTSD, but I do have the emotional capacity to be a bit broken down by them. My life started out dramatically to two parents who never really gave a shit of whether I lived or died. I am uncertain if they truly didn’t care or if they were too selfish to see past their own needs. I was forced off on relatives to care for me. My grandfather was one of the gentlest souls I have ever encountered in my life. My grandmother was a polar opposite of him. She was cruel and harsh. I was raised in a god fearing home. I learned early on not to speak unless spoken to. I learned how to conceal all emotions for fear of what was to come if I was either happy or sad. If I was happy, there was something evil that I was doing to be that way. If I was sad, there was no reason to be, because I have everything that should make me happy. I hated when she would dress my hair. If I didn’t sit perfectly still, she would pull it until it would come out in her hands. On occasion she would drag me across a room by my hair. There were times when the belt would come out that I wondered if she would ever quit hitting me. I prayed for escape. I prayed that the people who gave me life would love me enough to come rescue me. My prayers went unanswered for over 15 years. In the end either God did not exist for me or else he didn’t care, because there was something evil inside of me. After 15 years of mental and physical abuse, my abuser died a horrible yet fitting death. I was horrified at her passing, not because she was gone, but because I was relieved that she was gone. What kind of person was I to be glad that she was dead? Did that truly make me into an evil monster that she thought of me? Over the next 15 years of my life, out of guilt I think, I picked up where she left off. I never harmed myself physically, but mentally I abused myself. I didn’t care if I lived or died, because no one would notice if I was gone. I would tell myself that I could never do anything right and I would fail at anything that I did. I have used the term underachiever, but I believe that is a lie I tell myself. I have self sabotaged every aspect of my life. I have run people off before they have the chance to love me and seriously hurt me. How could I allow anyone to get close to me, when those who were meant to love me more than life itself never gave a damn? At nearly 37 years old I still huddle in a corner when people act aggressively around me. There are still the moments when the self abuse comes to light and it is typically when things don’t go the way I wish them to. I wish there was a switch that I could turn off to get through everything negative that has happened in my life, but I am not foolish enough to believe that. I know it will take work and time. It is something that I need, but more importantly my children need. I need to be the example of a strong and thriving woman for my daughter so she can become one also. Will I ever get past the abuse both mental and physical? I don't know, but I will not quit until there is no breath left in my body.

The Greatest Blessing in my Life

About 18 years and 9 months ago my world was in shambles. I had become everything I swore I would never be. I was barely 18 and had a failed marriage. I was lost and only wanted an escape from this world. I wanted to die. At the moment I was ready to give up and end it all, I found out that I was pregnant. I knew at that moment to take my own life would be to kill my unborn child also. I knew that I could not be that selfish. Decisions on what to do was my next step. I knew that I would be raising my child alone without any paternal help. I saw myself as a weak person with no backbone. How could I raise a child when I could not even stand up for myself? I knew abortion wasn't an option. For nine months I tossed around the idea of giving my child up for adoption and I continued to ponder that idea until the moment I gave birth. The moment I held him for the first time, I knew that I loved him more than life itself. On this day 18 years ago I gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby boy. I named him Trenton Chance. The name Chance was to symbolize the opportunity he gave me by being his mother. He became my salvation. I would not trade him for anything else in this world. I know with him I made mistakes on a grand scale and have done things that he may never forgive me for. Most of what I have done was for his benefit. Everyday I miss not being a part of his daily life, but he is in my mind and heart wherever I am and whatever I do. I love you more than breath, my son.