A New Day Dawns

As I sit here this morning, I'm reflecting on how this year has been thus far. I have made it a wee bit past the half way point and I must say this year has sucked in epic proportions. Some of the reasoning behind this years chaos was beyond my control. Others was because I made choices with the best of intents, and apparently I make poor decisions with my life or I'm not listening to the ones greater than myself are telling me.

I made the decision to relocate my family with the best of intentions. Everything blew up in my face. Now not only do I have financial issues, but I have legal dramas. To best sum it up nothing has went as planned.

Now I find myself needing to regroup and figure out just where I'm supposed to be. In my heart I know it's not here, because the chaos in my life has increased rather than decreasing. How does one know what the right path in life is?

Someone of my Own

For many years I had this driving need to have someone of the male gender in my life. Aaron broke me of that in his attempt to destroy me. I was a woman who love giving and receiving affection. I was a woman who craved attention, but now I prefer to just be left alone. The thought of having someone even touch me with some form of affection makes me cringe. He turned me into a monster, who lacks the ability to form an attachment to anyone of the other gender. I need to find a way to get past this, for my children do not deserve to see their mother struggling with anything.They deserve a mother who is happy and in love with life. They deserve to see a mother who can do anything she sets her mind on. Instead they have me with all of my baggage. I see in their eyes that they also are carrying some of my baggage. It's not fair. Tomorrow starts a new chapter in our lives. There will be no looking back, and there will be no Aaron. Part of me hurts knowing that there will be no Aaron, but my children need this so I can grow and be the role model of strength for them, and to stop being someone's verbal punching bag. Please keep me and mine in your thoughts and prayers as we begin our new life.

Turning the Page for the Next Chapter

Since my last major breakup, my life hasn't felt like my own. The woman who once wanted attention and affection just wants to be left alone. I hate the thought of someone touching me. I cringe when the phone alerts me to a call or text. I always wonder, "What is going to be expected of me?" or "Are they expecting me to do something?" In short I just wish the world would leave me alone and go away. Because of this phase of my life I know I need a change. I have made the decision to relocate my children and myself to another state for a fresh start.Every day I second guess that decision. I spoke with a friend and he accused me of running away again. I denied it, but upon some reflection, I can see that he was correct. Even though he was right doesn't mean that this decision is wrong. My children and I live in a bad neighborhood with shootings and such. They need this change also for safety reasons. I believe that they can thrive in this new location. We will be closer to friends and family. Maybe in this new location I can find my place in this world. Today I feel confident that this is the right choice for us. Georgia here we come, ready or not!!!!!!

Our Newest Addition

The other day the kids in the apartment  complex told me that there was a baby kitten out there that the other kids were being mean to. I told the kids to bring the baby to me. I didn't realize just how small this baby would be. The eyes are barely open and hasn't been weaned yet. So every hour we feed and clean the baby. I think we needed it as much as it needed us.

The pack of smokes was used to show the size of the baby.

Struggles

Some days the struggle is so real.

When Is Enough Enough?

In the beginning he told me that he loved me every chance he got. It would fill my heart until I feared it would burst. Near the end of the relationship he'd tell me that he hated me and worked that he had never met me. These declarations would have "I love you" minutes after he'd tell me I needed to go, that he was done with me. I stayed much longer than I should have. Enough was enough when he made threats against my offsprings. I packed up everything that was mine. I thought that would be the end of our story, but our story had an afterword. He would contact me with words of love and devotion. Every attempt I made to thwart him was blocked by a new sternly of his to contact me. When will he learn that he killed any love I could have for him? At what point will he comprehend that enough is enough and allow me to rebuild my life?

Destruction

He tried to break me with words of pure hated. He spew lies about me to whomever would listen. His attempts were in vain, for he failed miserably.

38 Special

Today is my birthday. It didn't start out as I envisioned it would. No sweet kisses. No coffee in bed. I made a choice that eliminated this possibility for me. I chose my children and I over a life of mental abuse and utter chaos. I chose to go back to a simple life with just my kids and I. I have no regrets other than I didn't do it sooner. Today will be a new starting point of my life. I will take back my power which was taken from me. I will live my life to the best of my ability. I will become like the phoenix and rise from the ashes and rebuild from the floor up.

True Story

This Is Who I Am

He told me that he loved me. I was a mirage of what he wanted me to be. He wanted me to be a person he once loved and not me as I am. I'm perfectly imperfect.

Prince Tribute

As a child I was raised in a strict Christian home where rock music and dancing were not allowed. I remember sneaking around to listen to Prince. Through his music I found my rebellious side . He is a legend that will truly be missed. RIP.

Accountability

Desperation

I am humble for you have brought me to my knees. With you I've lost everything including you. I lay awake at night thinking of the days gone by, both the good times and also the bad times. I am still stunned into amazement over who you truly turned out to be. You were the best friend I confided in, who turned my secrets into a form of blackmail and my past to knock me down emotionally. You used my children as pawns to make me conform to your wishes. Were you always this man or was it something in me that created the monster you became? Monster is a harsh word though it is fitting. You were equilivent to Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. One minute you're the sweetest man in the world, but the very next moment you would rip me to shreds with your words. In the world you created for us I never knew what to expect or how to feel. In my heart I know I loved you and probably still do, but it is pointless. There is no future for you and I. Too much has happened to make it so. Because of you i know where rock bottom is and it's a purgatory in itself. When I walked away from our home, I knew it was the end of us for good, because I'm sorry doesn't take back all that was taken and all that was lost. I felt that in leaving that I had already grieved the loss of us, but I deceived myself. The family we had created was officially destroyed and the memories plague me even in my sleep. No amount of tears nor rage seem to drown out the memories. I miss the hugs that came just because we wanted to. I miss your head in my lap as I rubbed your head as you went to sleep almost nightly. I miss the man who would let me cry when the world got too much for me. I miss knowing that my tears had some effect on you.  I miss the laughter for the simple silly things that happened in our life. I miss the feeling of knowing that no matter what happened i wouldn't be facing it alone. Mostly I miss my friend, the man I thought you to be. I know if I could find the rage again it would drown out the hurt, but I've discovered the rage is gone and replaced with the sorrow that things can never go back to the before. For the life of me I don't know how to get passed this and move on. I wish I had a crystal ball that would show me that all would be alright, but alas I don't have one. A friend suggested I write again to get things out of my head while I fight to be able to express myself with others and to help me learn how to rejoin the world. I suppose I can write until I feel no more.