Thursday, July 4, 2019
Sick of This Life
I have discovered writing is an outlet to release some of my inner demons. I think I am reaching the point of being finished with the human race. I dream of a place in the woods away from the rest of the human race to heal and to grow. I long to no longer be a source for someone to use me. It appears that I only have value when I have something to offer folks, but when I am down on my luck I am standing alone. I think it is time to go back to my place of solitude where the lies of others can't affect me. A place where having no family doesn't get to me. One day I am packing up this life and moving onto a new life away from this bullshit.
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
The Powers That Be
I would like to think that I am a reasonable and open-minded woman, but there are times to take the gloves off and let it all hang out. Today I am going to blast a person who wronged me in one of the worst ways possible: he used me and lied to me.
For the sake of being bluntly honest we will call him Jason, because that is his name. Why should I not be honest because I have nothing to be ashamed of and I am doing nothing wrong?
We originally met when I was in 8th grade and he was in 9th. I always saw him as this beautiful bad boy with anger issues. As part of a Christian school and one that never quite fit in, I loved the bad boys (I probably still do). Not ever did we talk, but the crush was still there. Then one day he disappeared and I didn't know where he went from there.
Over the years I completely forgot he even existed, and 27 years passed in a rush. Many things had changed for me. I no longer was a part of the christian faith and have openly embraced a pagan lifestyle. I never forgot my roots and they help keep me grounded in this life when questions of morality is involved.
One day I was in my hometown of Fernandina Beach, Florida. As I am standing in line at a gas station I see this handsome man and thought he was appeasing to the eyes. I am a single red-blooded woman that can appreciate the sexiness of a man. Outside in the parking lot we started talking and I realized he was the bad boy from school. That night we talked way into the morning. He was telling me things like, "I could fall for you," and "You're great." I was sucked in and believed his words.
The next day the illusions were brought to light. He told me that I couldn't meet him at his house because his roommates wouldn't understand. At that red flag I should have ran, but deep inside I want to believe in the good of everyone. Instead I listened to my foolish heart rather than my head and was punished for my stupidity. Now I believe that the divorce is not a fact and he may still be married.
Because I believe in words rather than actions, I allowed myself to be swept in. When I say I was swept in, I mean when he rented a motel room for the night I went along. I didn't factor in the number of times he asked me if I told anyone that we knew mutually about he and I. Though I did lie when I told him no, I did tell one person for back during that time, because I knew she wouldn't say anything.
Another red flag was during the time we were making out, he kept asking if I had any STDs. I was aware of how insulting that question was after the 5th time he asked. I told him if he asked one more time I was going to go home. He asked if I'd leave him stranded at the motel without a ride home. I told him if he asked again I would.
Things escalated after that. Things got hotter and heavier. While we were in the middle of all that he tell me that this in no way means that we are committed and that it was probably a one time thing. At this point I should have punched him in the nose and left him stranded there, but I think I was in a daze of utter denial. Like a fool I stayed until the next morning and went home with my tail between my legs like a beaten dog.
For days I was angry and plotted revenge. I am not above hexing the lying bitch, but my friends worry about my karma. So I am writing this to allow my rage to escape and for him to know I will not remain silent about what happened between us. I am not ashamed of my actions, but I am ashamed of his. He is old enough to not be pulling high school bullshit and lying to get a bitch into his rented bed. If he would have known me better he would have known honesty would have gotten him the same result but I would have been discreet in my association with him. Now I am a woman scorned and plan to let it all hang out.
For the sake of being bluntly honest we will call him Jason, because that is his name. Why should I not be honest because I have nothing to be ashamed of and I am doing nothing wrong?
We originally met when I was in 8th grade and he was in 9th. I always saw him as this beautiful bad boy with anger issues. As part of a Christian school and one that never quite fit in, I loved the bad boys (I probably still do). Not ever did we talk, but the crush was still there. Then one day he disappeared and I didn't know where he went from there.
Over the years I completely forgot he even existed, and 27 years passed in a rush. Many things had changed for me. I no longer was a part of the christian faith and have openly embraced a pagan lifestyle. I never forgot my roots and they help keep me grounded in this life when questions of morality is involved.
One day I was in my hometown of Fernandina Beach, Florida. As I am standing in line at a gas station I see this handsome man and thought he was appeasing to the eyes. I am a single red-blooded woman that can appreciate the sexiness of a man. Outside in the parking lot we started talking and I realized he was the bad boy from school. That night we talked way into the morning. He was telling me things like, "I could fall for you," and "You're great." I was sucked in and believed his words.
The next day the illusions were brought to light. He told me that I couldn't meet him at his house because his roommates wouldn't understand. At that red flag I should have ran, but deep inside I want to believe in the good of everyone. Instead I listened to my foolish heart rather than my head and was punished for my stupidity. Now I believe that the divorce is not a fact and he may still be married.
Because I believe in words rather than actions, I allowed myself to be swept in. When I say I was swept in, I mean when he rented a motel room for the night I went along. I didn't factor in the number of times he asked me if I told anyone that we knew mutually about he and I. Though I did lie when I told him no, I did tell one person for back during that time, because I knew she wouldn't say anything.
Another red flag was during the time we were making out, he kept asking if I had any STDs. I was aware of how insulting that question was after the 5th time he asked. I told him if he asked one more time I was going to go home. He asked if I'd leave him stranded at the motel without a ride home. I told him if he asked again I would.
Things escalated after that. Things got hotter and heavier. While we were in the middle of all that he tell me that this in no way means that we are committed and that it was probably a one time thing. At this point I should have punched him in the nose and left him stranded there, but I think I was in a daze of utter denial. Like a fool I stayed until the next morning and went home with my tail between my legs like a beaten dog.
For days I was angry and plotted revenge. I am not above hexing the lying bitch, but my friends worry about my karma. So I am writing this to allow my rage to escape and for him to know I will not remain silent about what happened between us. I am not ashamed of my actions, but I am ashamed of his. He is old enough to not be pulling high school bullshit and lying to get a bitch into his rented bed. If he would have known me better he would have known honesty would have gotten him the same result but I would have been discreet in my association with him. Now I am a woman scorned and plan to let it all hang out.
Friday, December 7, 2018
Moving Past the Bullshit of It All
Some days it doesn't matter what you do, you just can't seem to please anyone. Tonight I think I had a mental breakthrough. If people can't be completely pleased by your presence or your actions, they don't belong in your life. You should be loved for merely being who you are and not necessarily what you can bring to the table. I will say this: I know what I bring to the table and I am not afraid to eat alone.
Sunday, June 17, 2018
Father's Day 2018
As the Parental Figure:
For the past 10 years I've raised my two minor children by myself without the involvement of the one who sired them. In the grand scheme of things they are better off without the drama he would provide them. The greatest drawback is: they have no male role model. My son will never know how to be a man's man and my daughter will never know the role a man should hold in a woman's life. My role in their life is father and mother. There are times I wish things weren't so hard for them, but really what do I know about the role of the father.
Daddy Issues:
I lost the only man who held the role as father nearly 11 years ago. Not A day goes by that I don't miss him. He was my Papa. Through him I learned kindness and gentleness. Without his presence in my life I never would have survived the abandonment of my birth father. My birth father taught me: at the end of the day it doesn't force them to love you. Being of the same blood once accounted for something. Now blood will betray you faster than those you call friend.
To the fathers out there: Happy Father's Day
To the mothers out there assuming both roles: I know the road you walk is challenging, but at the end of it all it'll be worth it. I salute you.
To the deadbeat dads out there: today is not your day. The day reserved for you is April Fools Day. You are a fool in the greatest sense of the word, because you were given a precious gift and you threw it away.
For the past 10 years I've raised my two minor children by myself without the involvement of the one who sired them. In the grand scheme of things they are better off without the drama he would provide them. The greatest drawback is: they have no male role model. My son will never know how to be a man's man and my daughter will never know the role a man should hold in a woman's life. My role in their life is father and mother. There are times I wish things weren't so hard for them, but really what do I know about the role of the father.
Daddy Issues:
I lost the only man who held the role as father nearly 11 years ago. Not A day goes by that I don't miss him. He was my Papa. Through him I learned kindness and gentleness. Without his presence in my life I never would have survived the abandonment of my birth father. My birth father taught me: at the end of the day it doesn't force them to love you. Being of the same blood once accounted for something. Now blood will betray you faster than those you call friend.
To the fathers out there: Happy Father's Day
To the mothers out there assuming both roles: I know the road you walk is challenging, but at the end of it all it'll be worth it. I salute you.
To the deadbeat dads out there: today is not your day. The day reserved for you is April Fools Day. You are a fool in the greatest sense of the word, because you were given a precious gift and you threw it away.
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