Hopelessness

Today my heart is heavy. I am at a loss on how to help my child. He is out of control for the school and I don't know how to fix it. I am thinking of throwing up my hands and screaming, "what's next?"

The Devastating Reality in Our Life

Monday, February 9th, 2015, started out like any other day for me. I had found my calm about Kaden and his disability. I had adjusted to the nearly daily calls from the school because his behaviors had escalated at school and they could not keep his violent tendencies muted. I had went to work that morning like every other Monday. We finished the job a little early and I was heading home. I received a phone call and the guy had introduced himself as a crisis counselor. I heard the words "Kaden" "cops" "mental facility" and the rest of the conversation seemed to be drowned out. I screamed at this man over the phone, "Do you people not realize that he has the mind of a three year old?" It was at this point that I realized my hands were tied on what I could do for him legally. I arrived home and called the hospital. I was told that they were currently processing him and that they had to hold him for 24 hours because he had become a threat to himself and others. When he saw the doctor the next day, the doctor could enforce a 72 hour hold and I could not see my child until Wednesday. I was encouraged to bring him certain items to make him more comfortable. I was made at ease to know that he was calm and didn't appear scared. For the next hour I had to reign in the rage I was feeling towards the school. How dare they not call me! I know my son and I could get him to calm down! I am his mother! I drove to the school in the rain shaking and fearful of what they might say when I got there. Once at the school I spoke with the ESE lead and the principal. They told me that he was agitated from the time he stepped off of the bus and until the crisis counselor took him away. Around 11 am Kaden threw a chair at another student. The teacher had the aide remove all of the other children. He broke apart an easel and had a metal pipe in his hand by doing so. Before his fit of rage was done five people were called into the room to diffuse the situation. I had informed the school that the more people that are around him when he turns violent the more violent he will be. People seem to fuel his rage. It took them an hour and a half to get him calmed down and not once did I receive a phone call to let me know that he was having a crisis.All evening all I could think about was how upset and scared he must be. He would feel like I had abandoned him. I cried until I realized I had no tears left inside of me.  He was released from the hospital on Tuesday. I had never been so excited to see my little boy. I asked him if he had been scared and he told me no. I have come to the realization that this will probably not be the only time he sees a hospital for these reasons, but I will be damned if I don't fight for him and to keep him out of such places.

A New Day Dawns and a New Journey Begins

On Wednesday, January 21st, 2015, my hope for my son, Kaden was shattered. I was under the impression that he was autistic. With the autism diagnosis there was hope that he could outgrow some of the issues he has. On this Wednesday I was told that he was intellectually disabled, which means he is mentally retarded. All my hopes and dreams for him came crashing down. He will never grow up. He will never drive a car. He will never get married. He will never have children of his own. I questioned for weeks the mean of his existence. His existence is a means for many to point and laugh at his struggles and failures. I raged about the unfairness of it all. I didn't sign up for this. This was not the life I had planned for him or for me. I screamed that he deserved the life of any typical child. What did I do for us to deserve this? The answer was, "Nothing." We drew the short straw in the genetic lottery. I was preparing to train my younger daughter for the day where she would assume the responsibility of taking over his care when my time ends. The specialist told me that I was putting limits on her life also. She deserves the life she wants and can have. In short she can have the life that was denied for him. I was told that I needed to live a life outside of Kaden. I needed to learn to live and not exist to maintain his needs.

One day I had taken my kids to the park. There were other kids there playing. Kaden was in a mood and wanted to scream about everything. A dad scolded his son for being mean to mine. I told that dad his kid did nothing to mine, but this is just how Kaden is. The dad took his son aside and explained that Kaden was different than most children. After the talk the boy tried more to make sure Kaden was enjoying the park experience. This boy taught me something that day: Kaden's possible purpose. If through Kaden others can learn understanding and compassion, it might just be the purpose for Kaden's existence. At that moment I found some peace in the news that my son is different.

Our journey has just begun and we will embrace each new experience with courage and determination.

I Am......

I Am...... bold
I Am...... brave
I Am...... fearless
I Am...... courageous
I Am...... inventive
I Am...... daring
I Am...... limitless
I Am...... wise
I Am...... tenacious
I Am...... spirited
I Am...... undismayed
I Am...... undaunted
I Am...... beautiful
I Am...... desirable
I Am...... pleasant
I Am...... admirable
I Am...... a cape wearing special needs mom.