Who I am

I have the face of an angel, the body of a sinner, and the mouth of a sailor. I am not anyone's princess to be pampered. I am impatient and mostly impractical. I am strong because I have faced my demons. I make no apologies of who I am. You can either like me or not and in the end I don't care which.

Foolish me

Why must people treat me like I am an idiot? I have same needs as many. I wanna be loved. Why can't people love anymore and be who they say they are? Isn't misinterpretation the same as a lie in the end? I sometimes wonder just what is wrong with me. I know I don't ask too much but what should be expected. I give up trying tonight.

Kaden's Struggle

The face of an angel can be very deceptive, or so I have learned. I gave birth to my son, Kaden, over six years ago. He was born a beautiful little boy, perfect and healthy. I did not realize the challenges placed on him. I had the same hopes and dreams as other parents. I did not realize that I was given a child the world sees as special needs. I have a child which is a mini extension of who I am. Through him I am reminded daily of all the things people take for granted. His fight for normalcy may take him a lifetime to accomplish, but I as a mother am raising a fighter.

Early in Kaden’s life I realized that he wasn’t like many babies. He didn’t like to be held. He never reached a milestone when it was to be reached. He did everything at his own pace. When he was fifteen months I discovered he wasn’t meeting the milestones. He was falling way behind. This is where his journey began.

Our family physician was just as concerned as I was. She began scheduling him with specialist after specialist just to learn what was wrong with him. Each specialist had a variety of tests and procedures they wanted to do with him. Before he turned three he had MRIs and nerve inductions done. My heart bled for the pain that we put him through just to get an answer.

My world was shattered the day Kaden’s first neurologist told me that we needed to prepare ourselves for a diagnosis in either a dystrophy or a myopathy. After brief research I realized this diagnosis would never allow him to be an adult. He would die first. The questions kept coming into my mind. How can I allow my son to die? How do I prepare my son to die? Why me when there are so many others who do not care for their children? Nothing is more humbling than to realize that your son could die. I grieved hard for the next six months, when I was given some hope.

The second neurologist, Dr Hammond, says, “It is very improbable that Kaden has a dystrophy. I think he is autistic.” A massive part of me was relieved. My son was going to live, but he would live only in his mind. There would be no escape for him. Physical disabilities are easier to rise above, but there was the possibility that mental ones are never.

So with the new knowledge I was ready to get this diagnosis. I now have a direction to fight whatever is wrong with Kaden, but life had other plans. After meeting with a new team of doctors and having many more tests done, I was informed that he is not autistic. The reason I was given was, “Kaden is too curious about the world around him to be autistic.” This was a new setback, because it closed doors for him and we were nowhere near the diagnosis we needed.

Kaden and I took a much need break on our quest for a diagnosis. After a two year wait we finally saw the developmental pediatric specialist. By this point Kaden had seen his second regression and was out of control for the appointment. Doctor Childers met with him on a couple of occasions before reaching a diagnosis. Kaden was diagnosed with a high functioning form of autism (which he will outgrow), a persuasive developmental disorder (which is why he don’t talk and will also out grow), and his primary diagnosis was a global developmental delay (which changed when he turned 6 years old to moderately to severely retarded). I was personally crushed. I was prepared for the first two diagnoses, but not the third. I always prided myself on being an intelligent person and this was not possible with one of my children.

After receiving the diagnosis we had a better idea of how to beat this and to finally realize Kaden’s limitations. Kaden may never be like other children. He may always be stared at when we go in public and he doesn’t behave as society dictates. It was harder on me to let go of the thought that this was happening to me. I am merely a small part to the equation. This is about him. I was made to be strong to support him.

We received the diagnosis nearly a year ago. He has changed so much since then. He is mellower now. He still doesn’t speak but he will echo what you tell him. My heart melts on the rare occasion that he wants to be affectionate. He is receiving occupational therapy and speech therapy at school and though a private source. His classroom setting allows for a lot of one on one attention. In this school setting he has male and female influence and I think that makes a tremendous difference. I see so much progress with him and I am learning to be cautiously optimistic. We meet with Doctor Childers in a few months. I have my fingers crossed that he too will see the progress.

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” ~Lao Tzu

Cabin Fever

Today I was suffering from some severe cabin fever when the bestie invited me out for drinks. There is nothing like having a friend to help you get out of the house and a funk. What would the world be like without friends?

My Definition Explained

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

People use the term selfish a lot, but who is the judge of selfishness? Are we to judge ourselves on this or is it the job of others? For me we all need to be a little selfish, because as I see it we all have need. We need to love ourselves or we will be unequipped to love others.

Most people will claim that patience is a virtue. If that is true why can't impatience also be a virtue? Many people sit back and wait patiently for things to happen. What happens if we sit too still and quiet? Will life and opportunities pass us by? I say life is too short to be patient for too long. If you see something you want go for it, because you may never get that opportunity again.

Insecurity stems from fear. What is it that humans fear the most? I believe that the fear of being alone is a great fear of people today. The lack of being loved is another fear and may be the greatest fear of mankind. Jealousy can also play into this fear.

Learning How to Live

• Marcus Aurelius said, “It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.” How often do we allow the problems that we face daily hold us back from what we want or what will make us truly happy? Happiness holds a key to beginning to live the life we are entitled to. We are all entitled to a greatness which we all possess inside of us. We just need to see where that greatness will lead us. I want to live a life with no regrets. I want to truly live as if tomorrow will never come.
• Kahlil Gibran stated “Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.” Attitude can change the outcome to any situation. Optimism can lead to positive outlook, and pessimism can always lead to disaster. Everything is how you choose to view it. Humor can always be a means of showing a positive attitude, and things don’t always seem so bad. I don’t always see the cup half full, but I am learning to refrain from viewing it as half empty.
• Friedrich Nietzsche declared “We love life, not because we are used to living but because we are used to loving.” We must first be able to love ourselves before others can love us. Sometimes learning to love ourselves is the hardest, because we were not taught to value ourselves and all we can accomplish. We, then, learn to love those that are in our daily life. Once we develop a love for our family and friends, we can develop a different kind of love, a compassion for the strangers that pass briefly in our lives. I find that I am not the most lovable of creatures, but I can be viewed as a person containing compassion toward those around me.
• Socrates acknowledged, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Daily we must examine where we are in life and what we want. If we don’t like something in our life, then a change is inevitable. I always believed if you don’t like something in life, don’t moan and complain about it unless you are prepared to do something about it. I was told as a child that I was hard to get to know because I was always changing. I say I evolve into a different form of me.
• Ralph Waldo Emerson believed, “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” Life’s greatest lessons are best learned trial and error. Rising above the problems is not necessarily easy. They can be the foundation of the person you should be. There are moments where the failures seem more than the accomplishments. That isn’t so. You must look deeper into the failure for there is an accomplishment hiding seeking to be found.
• Voltaire quoted, “We never live; we are always in the expectation of living.” For me I am learning to live with the expectations I place upon myself and not the expectations of others. The outside world cannot provide happiness for us. We must first seek it among ourselves. Once we obtain a certain amount of love for our personal selves we can learn to love the world around us. This is the key to obtaining the happiness of a life well lived.

Innocence Lost

In the darkness of the night

The sky so starry and bright

Of all the promises left unspoken

To me a sacred vow was broken

A vow to love honor and cherish

Without the love I should perish

Foolishly tonight I gave my heart

Wishing my world won’t fall apart

Yet in the early dawn of morning

My head shouted out a warning

Of the loss of innocence mine

I left the naivety of childhood behind

Venturing to this new world ahead

Knowing this new life’s to be led

Will I falter? Will I fail?

Will I live in eternal hell?

What must I do to break this spell?

If I knew my heart, my heart would tell

What a tale to be told

Of a story ancient and old

Should I love or should I leave

Or the words should I believe

Should I laugh or should I cry

Or should I leave the world to die

The pain and misery

Are now my constant company

Adoration

In the eyes of the beholder

Her only wish is to be bolder

Yet in this world she grows colder

Cold for the love she’s lost

She paid the ultimate cost

The price was her very soul

Was that his final goal?

Was she what he truly desired?

It is he she rightly admired

To be with him was what she needed

For his heart she desperately pleaded

Would his heart be truly given?

Or to another world she is driven?

A world of humiliation and despair

Will he by chance join her there?

Will he hold her close?

And be the one he adores most?

His destiny is to be the one to hold her

Together the world’s battle is theirs to fight

When their lives are cold he will hold her tight

For his body was given that right

She will bare his soul to her tonight.

Shame

Welcome to my world of shame

There is only one to truly blame

If the story is true, I am at fault

My only fear is that I’m to be caught

Is revenge so sweet to tempt such fate?

Must my hesitations always be so late?

My goal now is to rid my life of this wrong

To find a new world which I am to belong

Humiliation

Her destiny he holds in his hand.

She wills to his every demand.

Of all her great wishes to be,

He no longer wants to see

Some bright days he will hold her close,

As if it is she, he adores most.

Other days to him she’s not there.

In his eyes she sees he don’t care

He don’t see her heart is breakin’,

For her needy love he’s taken.

She will find the courage to let go,

And she won’t have to fight to tell him, “No.”